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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28037811">Happiness Is</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsNeverFailUs/pseuds/WordsNeverFailUs'>WordsNeverFailUs</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>(but also team Dean-likes-to-be-manhandled), (team everybody switches always), But they figure it out, Cabin Fic, Cas and Jack rebuilt heaven, Cas starts a garden, Case Fic, Castiel and Dean Winchester Learn How to Communicate, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Dean finally gets to go to the beach, Eventual Smut, FWF (Finale What Finale), Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Sam Winchester Knows, Sharing a Bed, Supportive Sam Winchester, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, We love Eileen in this house, almost the whole time, human!Cas, some normal relationship problems, this is an exploration of lots of tropes:</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-11 00:13:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>26,705</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28037811</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsNeverFailUs/pseuds/WordsNeverFailUs</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jack becomes the "new God" (he hates that title), He saves Cas from the Empty to help him rebuild Heaven. When that has been completed, Jack convinces Cas to return to Dean so they can both find the happiness they deserve. Every relationship has challenges, but nothing makes Cas happier than loving Dean (and being loved by him in return).</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>96</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! Thanks for dropping by. This fic is my intensive therapy after everything that has happened, and I hope you enjoy it! Please please leave feedback, I love talking to people about all of this! </p><p>Find me on tumblr - wordsneverfailus</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>-Cas' POV-</p><p>Being pulled out of the Empty is a vastly different experience from working one’s way out alone. Cas would venture to guess that the negotiation for his life took place prior to his awakening because the moment he was woken up and the moment he fell to his knees in a bright room were nearly simultaneous. </p><p>The initial assumption he made was that, somehow, Sam or Dean had found a way to bring him back- it certainly made sense, given that the room he landed looked a great deal like the Men of Letters Bunker library. </p><p>When he was able to blink his eyes back into focus in the light, his gaze fell to Jack, standing before him with a vibrant smile. </p><p>Cas slowly stood up, gripping the corner of a table for assistance, and immediately looked around the room for any sign of Dean (or Sam, of course, but there’s certainly no point in lying to himself now). </p><p>“Oh! This isn’t really the bunker. I’m so glad you’re back!” Jack hugged him tightly. Cas smiled distantly as he hugged Jack back, confusion only growing as he took in more of the situation- particularly, the sheer amount of power emanating from Jack.</p><p>“Jack, what happened while I was gone? You’re different. And if this isn’t the bunker, where are we?” Cas pulled away, leaving his hands to rest on Jack’s shoulders as he gave a questioning look. </p><p>“Well, a lot happened. I think it would be easiest if I just showed you the most important things.” With an expression that landed somewhere between fond and understanding, Jack lifted two fingers to each of Cas’ temples and began to show the highlight reel- Lucifer and Michael, Death’s blank book, Michael’s betrayal, the fight, Jack’s inheritance of Chuck’s power, Dean’s ultimate choice of mercy over violence, and the following peace that settled over the world when all was said and done. </p><p>When Cas opened his eyes, an awed expression over his features, he looked at his son and tried to wrap his mind around what he had seen. Pieces began to fall into place, then. </p><p>“So <em> you </em> got me out of the Empty…”</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>“And that means this must be…”</p><p>“Heaven, yes. I knew a lot of things needed to change, but everything was so cold and sterile- it kinda felt like a hospital. So I made this place for myself, so I had somewhere to work on changing things. I figured if Heaven is my home now, I wanted it to feel like home.”</p><p>Cas put his hands in his pockets and turned to look around the room once more, informed by Jack’s revelation. It looked remarkably identical, though now that he knew what he was feeling it was easy to recognize where he truly was. It felt like lifetimes since he had been in Heaven, and even longer since he had been welcomed here by anyone. </p><p>A soft, genuine smile took over his face as he turned back to Jack, and pulled him into another hug. </p><p>“Your mother believed this would happen. That you would change things, bring paradise. I remember when you showed me yourself, once, too. I’m sure she will be incredibly proud of you when she finds out.” Cas said softly. Jack squeezed him tight for a moment, before pulling back with a look nothing short of childlike excitement. </p><p>“I was hoping you would help me. Even with all of this new knowledge, I didn’t experience Heaven before like you did- I want to make it right. Plus, this is where you deserve to be anyway! I want to bring more angels from the Empty, eventually- ones you think would be helpful. But right now, I know where I want to start.” </p><p>Cas raised his eyebrows in expectation, filled with pride at Jack’s initiative. </p><p>“Yes, I… I would very much like to help, thank you. What did you notice, that you want to change first?” </p><p>Cas fought back his initial hesitation- he had been around the block of trying to “change Heaven” before, and it had given him nothing but overwhelming guilt and failure. This, though- this was different. This wasn’t him, all ignorant pride and obligation to a deadbeat father; this was Jack, righteousness and purity and love. He was just here to help- and maybe right some of his own wrongs.</p><p>“I went to visit my mom- she seemed sad that she couldn’t see some people she grew up with. I don’t think it is good to separate everybody- it isn’t really paradise without the people you care about, right? So I want to take down all the walls- make it more like Earth! Where people who want to be together can be, and everyone can have their own space without being separated forever. And there won’t be any fighting, so everyone will be at peace.”</p><p>Surely Cas’ face was beaming with pride by now. He was able to see the influence of Jack’s time on Earth with Sam, Dean, and himself in the way he thinks about people and having paradise. A not-insignificant part of him wished he could tell Sam and Dean about the kind of man (deity?) Jack turned out to be, but he knew he would likely never be able to do that. Perhaps Jack would pay them a visit, and they would see for themselves.</p><p>“I think that is an excellent idea. Where should we start?”</p><p> </p><p>And so began the long process of rebuilding and remaking Heaven- a better one, built around the idea of being with the ones you love. Castiel threw himself wholeheartedly into his work with Jack in order to avoid thinking about that particular idea too much. His peace was found in laying his heart bare to Dean and keeping him safe, and that would surely have to be enough; besides, it was no small victory to work side-by-side with his son in rebuilding the place that was his home for so many millenia. </p><p>Castiel and Jack worked endlessly to create a Heaven that embodied what they now knew to be the real desire of the human heart- to live in happiness with those who matter most. It was astounding that nobody had considered it before- all the beings who created and administered Heaven had never been human, how could they have known what paradise was? Now that Jack and Cas - who had both at one point been human - were making adjustments, they both had confidence that things would be different.</p><p>There was no telling how much time passed on Earth during their work- neither directly interacted with Earth or any of the souls in Heaven during this time. When the redesign had been completed, there were enough angels (both newly created and brought back from the Empty) to keep things running smoothly, but not nearly enough to turn themselves into a military. Jack held to his word, never interfering with the affairs of humanity, and instead resided permanently in Heaven. He visited his mother and human grandparents often. Upon completion of their project, Jack brought Cas back into the recreated library and sat down in a chair, gesturing for Cas to sit across from him. </p><p>“You never asked to go back to Earth. Why?” Jack had a way of getting right to the point, and while Cas generally appreciated this, he was very much caught off guard. </p><p>“Well, I don’t know. You never went, and there is nobody left there for me now. This is where I could do the most good.”</p><p>“What about Dean? You have done so much for Heaven, Cas, and for me. I could send you back, to around the same time. Human, even, if you wanted. I am in all places and at all times, now. It would be no trouble. I know you miss him.”</p><p>Cas took a slow breath as he considered Jack’s offer.</p><p>“Do you know what I said, to summon the Empty?”</p><p>“Of course. You told Dean you love him- that’s why I offered to send you back to him.”</p><p>Cas smiled sadly. He often forgot, with Jack’s new omniscience, that there are still some things he just doesn’t understand- particularly about the mind of Dean Winchester. Not that any being alive could fully understand Dean’s mind.</p><p>“That, I think, is likely to have changed the way that he sees me. I know he does not feel the same kind of love for me that I do for him, and as glad as I am that I was able to tell him, I don’t think I can go back to them knowing I will only ever be his best friend. It is best to let him move on with his life without me.” </p><p>The look Jack returned took Cas aback- amusement, disbelief, and confusion. None of which had any particular place in this conversation. </p><p>“I don’t think you have all the information,” Is what Jack finally settles on saying.</p><p>“What do you mean?”</p><p>“Can I show you?”</p><p>“I suppose.” With that statement of permission, Jack placed his fingers on Cas’ temples, and suddenly Cas was being faced with his own personal history, seeing through someone else’s eyes and feeling someone else’s emotions.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Hundreds of little looks in his direction he had never seen.</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean lifting a trench coat out of dirty water.</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean’s reckless desperation to get Cas back in Purgatory, his fear of something having happened to him</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>The nightmares and hallucinations Dean had before Cas returned</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean’s fear when Cas was brainwashed, not OF Cas but FOR him, and how close he had come to saying “I love you”</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean’s reckless race to get to Cas as soon as he had been made human (the fear of something happening to him)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>The devastation when April stabbed him</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean seeing him under the attack dog spell, being scared he wouldn’t break out of it</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>The relief and affection when he found Cas afterwards</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Amara being unable to sway or tempt Dean because he already loved someone else</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Every time Dean defended Cas to Sam, fighting for his safety over the fight against Amara (even as Lucifer)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>The hours of thought and time spent meticulously putting together a mixtape, the genuine hope that Cas liked it</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>The overwhelming, self-destructive, angry, suicidal grief when Cas was stabbed by Lucifer</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>The depth of love, relief, joy, peace, affection when they were finally reunited </em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>The emptiness felt after Cas walked away, the desperate desire for him to return buried under the anger</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>The relief at their reconciliation </em> </b>
</p><p>And finally…</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean, unmoved from where Cas shoved him, crying into his hands and repeating “I do too, you son of a bitch”</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean, passed out on a pile of empty bottles</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean, having nightmares about Cas being taken</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean, refusing to kill Chuck because of Cas’ words</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean, smiling sadly as he carved Cas’ name into the table</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean, actively refusing to set foot in the storage room again (sober, anyway)</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Dean, never telling anyone what Cas said because it belonged just to him (and crying any time he thinks about it too long)</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>Cas opens his eyes to see a knowing, sad, hopeful look on Jack’s face. His own eyes were misty and his mind was swimming as he struggled to process all of this new information. His expression finally settled on resigned sadness. </p><p>“I have caused him so much pain, Jack. I can’t continue to do so, now that he has the freedom he has fought so hard for.”</p><p>Anger crossed over Jack’s expression then, at Cas’ apparent lack of understanding. </p><p>“Every time you leave, he loses himself. He is never happier than when you return. He loves you. The way to make it up to him is to go back to him, and stay there. Do you want to see what is happening, right now?”</p><p>“I really don’t-”</p><p>Jack did not give him time to disagree before his hand was pressed to Cas’ forehead.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Dean moves from the kitchen back to the library, robe draped over his shoulders and coffee mug in hand. He takes a seat at the table, where there are at least a dozen books open across the surface. Only a moment passes before Sam trots in the front door and down the stairs, sweaty and fatigued from his morning run. He opens his mouth for a perfunctory morning greeting, but thinks better of it when he takes in the picture before him.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You’ve read all those books a dozen times over. If there was something useful, you’d have found it already.” Sam sighs softly, walking over to the side of the table.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m getting him back, Sam. However long it takes.” The response brokers no room for argument, so Sam nods once and turns towards the shower room.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jack removes his hand and evaluates Cas’ expression, which is a different kind of sad now. After a moment, it is Jack who speaks first. </p><p>“It’s just an offer. If you say no, I’ll never mention it again. I just want you to be happy- you’ve earned it.”</p><p>“Can I… Can I see something else?”</p><p>“Sure, what is it?”</p><p>“When I rescued Dean from Hell.”</p><p>Without another word, Jack took him back to that fateful day- the one that, so it would seem, changed the fate of their whole universe. </p><p>When he had seen it all, right up to his first physical meeting with Dean, Jack once again removed his hand. When Cas opened his eyes this time, there were real tears blurring his vision.</p><p>“Okay. Yes. Send me back. But you should come with me- I know they will all want to see you again, and Dean will have questions.”</p><p>“And would you like to be human? Or remain an angel?”</p><p>“Human. I want to be human.” There was a small smile forming now across both of their faces, and Jack nodded, laying a hand on Cas’ shoulder. The ground of the heavenly-bunker dissolved and reformed, they were standing outside the front door to the real bunker. </p><p>Suddenly, all the nerves that had been temporarily overridden came flooding back into Cas’ mind. There were consequences to his actions, to his confession. Regardless of what Jack had shown him, Cas had made peace with Dean not returning his feelings, and that reality meant a change in their relationship that he wasn’t sure he could ever prepare for. </p><p>After a moment of mental fortification, Cas raised his fist to pound on the metal door. He traded anticipatory looks with Jack in the moments between, and the heavy door gave no hint of what was happening behind it once he had knocked. </p><p>Nearly a full minute passed before the door swung open to reveal Sam, with fresh clothes and wet hair. As soon as his eyes settled on the two on the other side of the door, he let out a huff of joyous disbelief. A grin spread over all three faces as he pulled them both into a tight hug.</p><p>“Dean! Come here!” He shouted, letting go of them after a moment and ushering them inside. There was some grumbling, the scrape of a chair against the floor, and some steps against concrete before he came into Cas’ field of vision.</p><p>“We don’t get visitors, who would just-” Dean froze when his eyes settled on the balcony. </p><p>“Cas,” the word was barely more than a breath as Dean’s brain struggled to catch up, and the tiniest of smiles spread across his face.</p><p>“Hello, Dean.” Came the familiar reply that Cas had not expected to be able to say again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Enjoy Jack in this chapter, it's the last time we'll see him for a while! He isn't really as central to the whole story as he has been so far, but I love him and will include him as often as makes sense.</p>
<p>I wanted to post this chapter really soon, since the first one feels more like a prequel. It'll be a few days at least before the next one. Hopefully I'll figure out a good schedule for posting in the next week or so- when I do, I'll let you know! This story is looking to be pretty long.</p>
<p>You're now gonna start to get a real feel for how this story is gonna be, I hope you enjoy it!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Sam and Jack, who were now locked in a conversation about what Jack had been up to, were entirely forgotten as Dean wrapped his arms around Cas tightly the second he got up the stairs. With only a moment’s hesitation, Cas returned the gesture, holding Dean close. There were no words spoken, just the mutual basking in the presence of the other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the time they separated, Jack and Sam were now almost entirely down the stairs. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was trying to bring you back.” Dean’s voice was soft, as though he was ashamed he hadn’t been the one to succeed. Cas just smiled softly, previous fears momentarily forgotten. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know. It’s ok. When Jack got me out of the Empty, he took me back to Heaven for a time. He wanted help remaking it.” As Dean listened he started down the stairs, and watched Cas follow carefully as though he might disappear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’ve been in Heaven this whole time? How long ago did he get you out?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly, I don’t quite know. Time works differently in Heaven. It doesn’t feel like it has been very long. How long ago…?” The question died halfway through, to heavy to be finished. There were too many endings anyway, too many things he was afraid to ask.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Uh, 8 months or so. It’s June now, that was back in November.” Dean’s voice was quiet and unsteady, and he looked down at the floor as they walked to the War Room table where Jack and Sam now sat. Cas could tell immediately that he was not going to talk about that day any further. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sensing the sudden tension, Sam looked up with a beaming grin on his face. All four of them echoed the sentiment- it was a special feeling to have all four Winchesters sitting at the table (even if one of them, by all technicality a toddler, is God). </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>-Dean’s POV-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jack was telling me that after you got out of the Empty, you two started remodeling Heaven. What’s it like, now?” Dean was grateful for Sam’s change of subject, and smiled at Jack in encouragement for him to answer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even as Jack was talking animatedly about breaking down the walls and making Heaven more like Earth, Dean was focused entirely on wrapping his brain around Cas’ presence in the chair next to him. He would cast a glance that direction every couple minutes, and Cas was pointedly not looking his direction each time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There was something to be said for the tension being all Dean’s fault- he was the only one leaving things unsaid. He had only just barely come to grips </span>
  <em>
    <span>thinking</span>
  </em>
  <span> those things, and only when he was alone. He certainly hadn’t brought himself to say them aloud, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>definitely</span>
  </em>
  <span> not to</span>
  <em>
    <span> Cas’ face</span>
  </em>
  <span>. That is not to say that the things weren’t true, or that he didn’t feel them so strongly that he felt like he was drowning in it sometimes, or even that he didn’t want to tell Cas one day. He just can’t possibly imagine what that would look like for them, in real life. For them to have that unnamed thing that they both want. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That’s not even considering the fact that Cas was an angel, and since he apparently came into a management position in Heaven there’s no telling how long he’ll even be around- hell, this could’ve just been a friendly visit to let them know that Jack and Cas were both ok. Dean’s heart sunk at the idea, tried to prepare himself for it, and turned his attention back to Jack and Sam’s discussion. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Sam had asked all his questions, and Jack had finished his recollection of everything that had happened since he became “God”, a contented lull fell over the room as they all looked at each other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad you guys came to visit. It’s good to have you here.” Dean spoke up for the first time since they all sat down, drawing all the attention to himself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How long before you both have to get back to Heaven?” Dean spent enough time seeing Cas split time between them and heavenly responsibilities back in the day that it was practically an inevitability- best not to fight it, he figured, and just make sure they both know they are always welcome when they have the time to spare.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sam looked between Jack and Cas expectantly, a silent seconding of his question. Jack made a face neither knew how to read, and looked pointedly at Cas in lieu of a response. Cas shifted in his chair a little and turned to face Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was actually hoping I could, um. I was hoping I could stay.” He looks at the table, at his hands in his lap, at Sam, before finally making eye contact with Dean in a clear acknowledgement that it was Dean’s permission he was looking for. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean was taken aback at this. Cas wanted to stay? As in… </span>
  <em>
    <span>stay</span>
  </em>
  <span>? And he thought there was any chance at all that Dean might say </span>
  <em>
    <span>no</span>
  </em>
  <span>?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I- I, yeah, Cas, of course you can stay. As long as you want.” Dean’s eyebrows were raised, in a clear ‘of course, isn’t it obvious’ face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That was evidently not all the information that Jack had been intending for Cas to share, so when Cas just silently smiled in response he took it upon himself to fill everyone in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas is human, now, too! For good!” His excitement about this development is palpable. At this, Cas looks back down at the table as Dean’s eyes widen in shock. He turns bodily towards Cas now, sideways in his seat.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You chose to be human?” Dean’s words are soft, awed, and intended only for Cas. There is no immediate response, but Dean waits him out anyway. After a moment has passed, Cas takes a slow breath in and meets Dean’s eyes apprehensively. Dean’s face doesn’t betray his emotion until Cas nods slowly, then Dean smiles. Small, but so very genuine. More genuine, perhaps, than any smile has been since Cas left last. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So you’re… you mean you’re really staying. You’re human, and you’re gonna live here. With us. Permanently.” Dean is repeating these things in an effort to get his brain to catch up to reality. Cas, it seems, misunderstands it as him being unsure, and immediately steps back in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not if you don’t want me here, of course! I’m sure Jack could undo it. I don’t want to be a burden, I know last time I was human it was very challenging-”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas! We want you here. I want you here. It’s just a lot. An hour ago I was looking for ways to get you out of the Empty.” Dean’s hand has somehow found its way on top of Cas’, resting on his leg, but even when he notices it he chooses to leave it there. Baby steps. Anyways, Dean was always better with actions than words, and Cas surely knows that.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas still seems a little unsettled, but he smiles faintly anyway and nods his assent. Sam, sensing the need for a subject change, pulls out some random story from a couple months back about a hunt they did with Jody, Donna, and the girls. He tells Cas about how well Claire is doing, and how sweet she is with Kaia, which makes everyone smile with collective fondness. Jack comments about going to visit them soon, and the rest of the afternoon passes in a haze of nostalgia. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A couple of hours and a round of beers later, Dean is standing at the stove grilling burgers while the other three sit around the kitchen table. It feels shockingly like the last year never happened, and Dean chooses to let himself soak in the feeling. He had sorely missed having people to cook for, and Sam seldom wanted him to grill burgers. Not that he would say as much, but he was exceptionally excited to see how newly-human Cas would like his cooking, and if he put a little more effort into getting it just right this time, well, they were all too distracted to notice. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In just shy of an hour, Dean had successfully finished grilling the burgers, toasting the buns, heating the frozen fries (he didn’t have time to pull out the frier, sue him), chopping the vegetables, frying the bacon, and pulling out all the dishes. On several occasions all three of the others had offered to help him with various tasks, but Dean took refuge in the repetitive actions and not having to be engaged in any of the conversations allowed him time to adjust to the new reality. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re all set!” Dean announces, his first words spoken in nearly half an hour, and the change in his demeanor is notable to everyone. He grabs four beers from the fridge and sets them on the table as the others stand to make plates. After all, a good cook always lets others get food first. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Can you even eat, Jack?” Sam asks curiously, as he passes the kid (deity? Cosmic being? Doesn’t matter, he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>their</span>
  </em>
  <span> kid) a plate and takes one for himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes!” Jack is cheerful in his response, “I don’t need to, and it won’t have any effect on me, but I can choose to taste things anyway.” Sam huffs a small laugh and nods to himself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean watches with pride and pleasure as one by one, they make their own burgers. Cas, grabbing a bun and setting it on his plate, turns questioningly to Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What should I put on it?” His question is barely above a whisper. It occurs to Dean then that every time Cas has ever ordered himself a burger, it has been what Dean wants, because there was a mutual understanding that Dean would be eating it after he finished his own. Outside of the one mishap with Famine, Cas really hadn’t had an opportunity to explore his burger-topping preferences. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I like them with everything- but I don’t know what you’ll like best. I think you should grab a little of everything and experiment with it.” He patted Cas’ shoulder encouragingly and nodded to the patties, cheese now melted on top. He (and, unbeknownst to him, Sam and Jack too) watched in bemusement as Cas very gingerly grabbed a leaf of lettuce, two slices of bacon, a slice of tomato, three pickle slices, a slice of onion, and placed the bun on top of it all. Dean made his up the same way, pleased, and mused silently about the merits of trying to create his own sauce recipe as he piled fries onto the side of his plate. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean took his seat next to Cas, and grinned at everyone’s happy-eating noises as they took first bites. A few minutes passed before anyone spoke up again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Jack, if you finished giving Heaven an extreme home makeover, what are going to be doing now?” Dean is the one that pipes up, feeling as though he adjusted well enough to Cas’ return to entertain other thoughts (and, of course, he knows this time with Jack is precious- there is no way to tell when the next time will be that they are all together). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, Cas and I fixed Heaven for the souls that reside there, but there is still much to be done. With Cas staying here, I will need to find some trustworthy angels to keep things running. I don’t want to be as involved, or as neglectful, as Chuck was. My next task though is putting the Empty back to sleep- that’s why it let me take Cas back,” He shrugged and bit into another several fries. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Does that mean you’ll be able to visit once in a while?” Sam asks hopefully, slipping easily into the fatherly role he had taken on with Jack from the beginning. What a strange thought, being a parental figure to someone like Jack. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know. I want to, it just depends.” He looks around the table, from Cas to Sam to Dean, with a small smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, we’re real proud of you, kid. You proved a lot of people wrong, a hundred times over.” Dean lifts his bottle and clinks it against Jack’s, and his motion was followed closely by Cas and Sam who added their agreements with broad smiles. Jack mirrors Dean’s smile back to him and takes a sip of his beer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you, Dean. Much of what I have done so far has been because of what you, all three of you, taught me.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the meal carries on much in the same manner, happy conversation broken up by contented silences. When plates and bottles were empty, they continued to enjoy one another’s company until the conversation came to a natural lull.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It is time for me to go, now.” Jack announces after a moment, a melancholy smile on his face as he stands from the table. The others join him in standing and move around the table. Sam reaches out for him first, and pulls him into a tight hug that is easily returned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Come back and see us soon, ok? I want us to celebrate your birthday again next year.” Sam smiles, and Jack nods. With a clap on Jack’s shoulder, Sam steps back and allows Cas a moment with him. While they have a brief conversation, of which Dean only overhears ‘don’t forget what I showed you’, Sam turns to Dean. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pretty wild, Cas coming back. Is everything okay with you guys? Did something happen before?” He whispers, and Dean tenses slightly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s just a lot to process, is all. It’s all good, Sammy.” He grins easily, deflecting like it’s second nature, and is grateful when Cas hugs Jack and steps away. Dean walks over to him and hugs him immediately, not expecting him to say anything. He was wrong, in that assumption.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I brought him back for you. He was afraid of what you’d say- you should tell him the things you aren’t saying.” Jack whispers to him with a small, hopeful smile. In that moment Dean is reminded that while he may still be Jack in all the ways that matter, he is also now an all-knowing, all-powerful cosmic entity, and he sees right through Dean now. Visibly uncomfortable but knowing better than to deny it or argue, he musters up a small, sad smile and nods silently. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you.” Dean whispers, knowing he really doesn’t deserve this much kindness from Jack. Jack just grins, steps away from Dean, and looks around at all three of them. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“See you later.” He says with a small smile, hand raised in perfect Jack fashion, and fades out of the kitchen with a faint glimmer. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a moment of quiet, Sam sighed loudly and stretched his arms high above his head overdramatically. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, I’m gonna go get ready for bed. In my room. You guys… talk.” he nods definitively and walks out of the kitchen and down the hall.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean and Cas looked at each other for a moment, both anxious about the conversation they were about to have. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you tell him about…” Cas breaks first after a minute. Dean raises his eyebrows in confusion for a split second before shaking his head firmly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, no, I- I didn’t tell him. I just told him that you summoned the Empty and saved me.” Dean is visibly tense now, and walks over to the counter to pour himself a couple ounces of some half-decent whiskey. He looks to Cas and gestures to the bottle in silent offer, and Cas nods gratefully. Two glasses in hand, Dean sits down and places Cas’ glass in the spot across from him. When Cas sits, he doesn’t look up, instead staring at his hands wrapped around the glass. It wasn’t until another awkward moment had passed that Dean realised how that must have sounded. In preparation for what he was about to say, he took a sizable drink from his glass. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wasn’t embarrassed, Cas. Or ashamed of it. Not at all. It was just… I kinda felt like that was just for us, you know? I didn’t really want that moment to exist outside of us, I didn’t want anybody else to have it. I hope that makes sense, I know it sounds stupid but I-” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It doesn’t. I understand. It meant a great deal to me too.” Dean hadn’t been aware that he was staring at his glass until Cas’ voice prompted him to look up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We don’t have a very good track record of communication, you and I. We rarely communicate at all until the mistakes have already been made. But I would like to try, now, if that’s ok?” The nervousness in Cas’ voice gives Dean pause, but he knows Cas is exactly right. Nothing is going to go well with them if they don’t start talking to each other. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Yeah, of course Cas, anything.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas took a breath, and a drink from his glass, before lifting his eyes to Dean’s a moment later. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>-Cas’ POV-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I am concerned that your knowledge of how I feel has made you uncomfortable,” this first part came out in a rush, and Dean probably wanted to interrupt but Cas kept going anyway.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“But I want you to know that my return, and my staying with you, does not at all mean I expect anything to be different. My peace, and my happiness, were exactly as I told you. Being able to say it out loud, and having you know how deeply I feel it, that’s all I wanted. I don’t expect anything from you, and I really don’t want you to feel uncomfortable with my presence because of it. If you do, please tell me now. I don’t want to fight with you about it later. But I also want you to know that I don’t regret having said it, and I mean every word I said to you that day. It weighed on me for many years, that you might not know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean stays quiet for a long time after that, searching Cas’ expression. After a moment of uncertain eye contact, Dean looks off to the corner of the room and closes his eyes with a slow breath. The tension is palpable between them, as Cas waits for a response. The longer it takes, the more anxious Cas becomes that Dean is going to admit his discomfort with Cas being here. In the silence, Dean stands and rounds the table, sitting down directly next to Cas. It seems like an eternity before Dean drains his glass and speaks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tell me again.” His whispered tone may have seemingly lacked emotion, and Cas was affronted at first when he thought that maybe Dean was mocking him, but when their eyes met once more he knew that wasn’t it. Cas knew he was looking at a man who was pleading with him- a man who hadn’t heard that he was good, or loved, since Cas had left. His heart broke for Dean, and with nowhere else to go the love inside spilled out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I love you, Dean. As a man and as a brother, yes, but also more. And I have loved you for a long time.” His voice is soft, clearer without the tears, but there was no less conviction in his words. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>-Dean’s POV-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean’s eyes fell shut and he hung his head low for a moment, taking a second to process those words on their own without any fear or shock in the way. A second that felt like a lifetime passed before Dean reached out and pulled Cas into him, hugging him close. Like second nature, Cas wrapped his arms around Dean in turn, and Dean’s nose pressed into Cas’ hair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m so happy to have you back, man. I have a lot of stuff I need to say too. Stuff I shoulda said a long time ago. I- I just haven’t figured out how, yet. I haven’t had to do this before, not when it mattered this much. So I need you to be patient with me, ok? Just because I can’t get myself to say it yet doesn’t mean I don’t feel it too, y’know? Cause I… I do. And I have for a long time, too. I just need a little more time, I’m sorry.” His words are barely more than a breath, but pressed close to Cas like this that’s all the volume he needs. Taking his cues from Dean, Cas doesn’t let go yet, just holds Dean tighter in response. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please stay. Might be a little fast, asking you to move in,” Dean huffs a laugh at his own joke, “but don’t leave. Not this time.” He leans his head against Cas’, and refuses to so much as consider that they’re not so much hugging anymore as they are cuddling. Dean Winchester does not </span>
  <em>
    <span>cuddle</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll stay,” Cas promises. Feeling a little more stable in the situation now, Dean presses a kiss to Cas’ temple without thinking and pulls away from him. They’re both smiling now, small and tentative but real as could be, and Dean stands up. Cas stands too, after a second, and neither say anything else as they walk out of the kitchen together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they make it down the hall to the bedrooms, Dean pauses at his own door. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’ll take you shopping for more clothes tomorrow, but you can borrow some of mine to sleep in tonight.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It takes all of ten seconds for him to step into his room and return with some navy sweatpants and a Guns n Roses t-shirt. He hands them over to Cas, trying desperately to not think about Cas in his clothes, and steps back to his own door. Cas’ room is much closer to his than Sam’s, whose room is down the hall and around the corner, and he found himself being secretly pleased about that now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you. Goodnight, Dean.” The words, though seemingly plain, are bursting with affection that warms Dean to his core.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Night, Cas.” He nods with an almost-smile and steps inside his room for the night. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A slightly more interesting of a chapter, finally! I currently have 10 chapters plotted and not even close to finishing, in case you want an estimate of how long this will be. Of course, I still have no guess on a consistent posting schedule, thanks to the upcoming holidays, but I hope you enjoy anyway!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>-Cas’ POV-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It’s Cas’ first night as a human in a number of years, and he is suddenly reminded that being human brings with it the need for sleep. In a practical sense, sleep is incredibly inconvenient- time wasted doing nothing, in a state of complete vulnerability. In his previous experiences, it was also extraordinarily uncomfortable- whether on a cot and sharing a room with many other men in a shelter, or in an abandoned bus, or on the floor of a storage closet, or even on April’s mattress after an evening of (truthfully, rather unimpressive, he didn’t get the hype) lovemaking, Cas had never found sleeping to be enjoyable in the same way many humans seemed to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even now, more comfortable physically than he had ever been during his last stint as a human (though that might be attributed more to being wrapped in Dean’s clothes than anything else), sleep felt far from him. It was a highly unusual and frustrating thing- with almost 0 outside stimulus, his brain seemed more active than ever. On top of that, he had only been human for less than 12 hours, so his body didn’t seem particularly in need of physical rest (though the constant stream of changing emotions and physical needs had worn him out in ways he could still certainly feel). As such, Cas lied there in his mostly-empty bedroom, in his very comfortable bed, staring at the ceiling for a long time. There was the very occasional sound of the building settling or the tick of an age-old machine in the war room, but it was mostly silent. Another notable difference between humans and angels, Cas pondered, was that humans had very feeble senses. Angels were far more sensitive to smell, sounds, could even see perfectly well in the dark (something he found incredibly inconvenient as a human). Hoping to eventually run out of things to think about, Cas listed for himself the many differences between humans and angels.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was stopped not far into this exercise by the sounds of rustling fabric and heavy breathing from across the hall (he had his door open for security reasons, obviously). His first assumption was that Dean had awoken, but when the sounds continued and the breathing grew into grunts and wordless cries he realized Dean was having a dream. He couldn’t be sure what kind of dream it was, and he had once made the mistake of waking Dean from a very </span>
  <em>
    <span>pleasant</span>
  </em>
  <span> dream that he thought might have been a nightmare. It was not an experience he was eager to repeat, so he listened for more evidence. If it was a nightmare, he didn’t want to leave Dean in it, but sometimes it was hard to know.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The sounds stopped for a few seconds, and Cas thought maybe Dean was through it now, but into the quiet Dean shouted “CAS! NO!” and Cas was out of his bed almost immediately. He walked as silently as possible across the hall to Dean’s door and hesitated for a second, before pushing it open to reveal Dean tossing and turning in his sheets. The look of agony on Dean’s face was plenty of confirmation that he was having a very bad dream, and it was accompanied by other cries and muttered words he couldn’t make out. Cas stopped to consider his options for a moment, before walking over to the side of the bed. He knew better than to wake Dean up forcefully, but perhaps something softer would work. Dean was now laying on his left side, facing Cas, face contorted in sadness and anger. Cas waited for Dean to still slightly before sitting on the side of the bed and running his hand up and down Dean’s arm slowly, whispering to him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s okay, Dean. Everything is okay. Everyone made it. I’m here. You’re safe. We’re all safe, now.” He continued the gentle physical contact, as Dean relaxed into the bed. Cas continued to whisper to him assurances, and after a second Dean’s breathing changed to indicate he was waking up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Afraid of being reprimanded for invading Dean’s privacy, Cas retracted his hand and stood up. At the change, Dean’s watery eyes cracked open. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“C-cas? Did I wake you? I’m sorry, man.” The words are grumbled and hard to understand, but Cas gets it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You were having a nightmare, I thought I might could help. I wasn’t sleeping. I’m sorry I woke you.” Cas whispers, a small smile on his face at Dean, softened with sleep. Rarely did he ever see this side of Dean, one foot in and one foot out of consciousness without a gun in hand or urgent need to be awake.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll let you go back to sleep.” He pats Dean’s hand for good measure and moves to take a step toward the door, but Dean grabs his wrist blearily. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Stay. Please,” His words are a little clearer this time, and Cas nods with the same small smile. He sits back on the side of the bed, automatically assuming his “guardian angel” position of watching out for Dean. Dean, who has not let go of his wrist yet, and who tugs on his arm perhaps more forcefully than he meant to. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“No, idiot, </span>
  <em>
    <span>stay</span>
  </em>
  <span>.” Dean’s eyes are drifting back closed now, but he scoots his body back a few inches to, apparently, make room for Cas to lie down. There is a moment of hesitation where Cas isn’t totally convinced Dean knows what he’s asking for, but Dean cracks one eye open when Cas still hasn’t moved and Cas decides it isn’t his place to question Dean. With a little shuffling around, Cas then finds himself lying, facing Dean, in Dean’s bed. He lays carefully still, doing his best to not touch Dean, but Dean has none of it. Instead, he tosses his arm around Cas’ waist and hauls him closer, until Cas’ head rests on his chest and both Dean’s arms are around him. Cas curls his arms around Dean in return. Obviously drifting into now, Dean nuzzles into Cas’ hair and whispers something that sounds shockingly close to “g’night, sweetheart.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas grins to himself, enjoying the moment for all it’s worth, but he doesn’t get the opportunity for long because within moments he himself has fallen into a peaceful, restful, comfortable sleep. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>-Dean’s POV-</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>In the morning, it is Dean who wakes up first. There is the startling moment of confusion that accompanies waking up with another person in your bed, only exacerbated by the realization that it’s a </span>
  <em>
    <span>male</span>
  </em>
  <span> person and </span>
  <em>
    <span>when the hell was the last time he hooked up with ANYONE? </span>
  </em>
  <span>But the person shifts, scraping light stubble across his shoulder, and he fishes a memory out of the haze of sleep- another nightmare, an anchoring touch on his shoulder, a familiar voice bringing him out of the horror. Asking Cas to stay with him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean flushes immediately at the memory- he hadn’t asked anyone to stay in his bed to keep nightmares away since before his mom died the first time (</span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck</span>
  </em>
  <span> his life is weird). But Cas stayed anyway, and true to form, that was the best night of sleep he’d gotten in years. He thought about that for a moment, and was deeply grateful for the dark privacy of the room hiding his smile. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As he thought about it, there were a couple different choices that he had- he could wake Cas up (like an asshole), he could stay here until Cas woke up on his own (who knows how long new angel-to-human transfers sleep?), or he could let Cas sleep and go make breakfast. That was probably the smartest idea. Because Cas is </span>
  <em>
    <span>human</span>
  </em>
  <span> now. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Human and in Dean’s bed. What the hell?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He should probably stay for a few more minutes, just to really wrap his brain around that. Plus he doesn’t even know what he wants to make for breakfast yet! No reason to get out of bed if he’s just gonna aimlessly wander around the kitchen. He should probably stay here for a little longer (NOT because he likes holding Cas).</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Flimsy excuse accepted, he leans his head against the top of Cas’ and tightens his arms ever so slightly (it’s more comfortable that way, he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> feeling protective of Cas. Not even the tiniest bit). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Underneath the things he’s telling himself to keep the anxiety at bay, he vaguely wonders if he’s ever felt like this in bed with someone. Lisa came close, maybe, but even then he knew they would never fit all the way together- he was a square peg, and lisa’s life was a round hole. This isn’t that. The knowledge that if some monster burst through that bedroom door, Cas would be up as fast as he was, right by his side with a blade in hand, flipped everything he’d experienced about relationships inside out and upside down (and is sexier than maybe he’d care to admit). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean considers this thought for a moment, intentionally choosing to ignore the way he is now running his fingertips up and down Cas’ back. He eventually comes to the conclusion that it all boils down to the fact that there is nobody who makes Dean feel safer than Cas (maybe excluding Sam, but the idea of sharing a bed with Sam like this makes him want to throw up). He continues to let his mind wander, to imagine what life might be like now that Cas is living with them. Now that he doesn’t have the mission of getting Cas back, what is he going to do? He had really only gone on a handful of hunts in the last few months- Sam did most of his hunting with Eileen and the apocalypse hunters these days.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Feeling Cas stir in his arms jerks him out of his thoughts, and reminds him that he was going to go make breakfast. He peers over at the clock, and barely keeps himself from jerking back at the knowledge that he slept for </span>
  <em>
    <span>nine hours </span>
  </em>
  <span>last night. It’s approaching 8:30 now - he hadn’t slept that long without assistance (the unhealthy kind) in over a decade, maybe longer. That wasn’t the most important thing, though- the most important thing was getting up without waking Cas so he could get some coffee and make eggs and bacon.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean takes one more appreciative look at Cas, breathing steadily in the way he never did in Dean’s dreams, and unwraps his arms from around Cas. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m gonna make us some coffee. I’ll be in the kitchen when you get up,” he whispers into Cas’ hair, before softly nudging him off Dean’s chest and onto the pillow so he could stand up. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean makes his way to the kitchen, and starts the coffee maker. He sees the remnants of a smoothie being made earlier in the sink and rolls his eyes at Sam’s distaste for washing the dishes, making a mental note to wash them later. When the coffee machine is on, he wanders over to the little radio he keeps on the counter and plays a tape quietly while he goes about making breakfast. He hums the melody to himself while he pulls out the bacon, eggs, and the pan. These quiet moments by himself in the kitchen are some of his very favorite, where he doesn’t have to worry about anyone seeing the way he sways his hips to the beat or pauses his work with the food to mimic a particularly impressive drum break. The time goes by quickly, and he finds himself with a pan of scrambled eggs and a plate of fresh bacon and no ex-angel to share them with yet. Dean covers them both, pours himself a cup of coffee, turns off the radio, and hums all the way to the library. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He is about halfway through his cup of coffee and has 3 books left to put away (from his months-long research project about the Empty) when Cas walks in, soft with sleep and a smile settled more in his eyes than on his lips.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning, sunshine.” The endearment rolls off Dean’s lips before he has a second to realize it, and his tone might have been closer to teasing than soft and affectionate but Cas blushes a little anyway (which is definitely Dean’s new favorite thing). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good morning, Dean.” He replies, nearly cut off by the yawn that follows closely after.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I made breakfast,” Dean grins, hoping that provides enough of an explanation that Cas doesn’t worry about why he wasn’t in the bed when Cas woke up. Cas blinks while his mind works to put those words with their meanings, nodding after a second, and that is Dean’s cue to put the book down and put a hand on Cas’ shoulder, walking him towards the kitchen (and the coffee- evidently human Cas is not a morning person). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas follows his guidance to the kitchen without question, and Dean puts him at the kitchen table while he makes up two plates. He brings Cas his plate and fresh mug of coffee, then sits down across from him with his own. Cas mumbles his gratitude and smiles. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sleep ok?” Dean asks, and he would adamantly deny any hidden questions layered under that one but that didn’t necessarily mean they weren’t there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I did, thank you. I’m sorry to have bothered you last night.” Cas quirks a contrite almost-half-smile and takes a sip of coffee.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pfff you didn’t bother me, I slept great.” Dean’s go-to tactic is to be so overly casual and nonchalant that there’s no hint of any hint of vulnerability left, and it doesn’t fail him now either, though Cas’ cheeks turn a little pink and his smile is fuller now. Dean is pretty sure Cas knows him well enough to know all the things neither of them are saying, and he’s grateful that he also knows better than to say anything about it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A quiet settles between the two of them, equal parts tense and companionable. They have always been good at not speaking, but in this particular case, there are a lot of things not being spoken. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So, you’re human now. Again. I fucked up the first time, but we’ve got all the time in the world now. What do you want to do?” Dean knows Cas won’t have any desire to spend time pondering his last attempt at humanity, so he tries to just blow right past it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Honestly? The two experiences are hardly comparable so far. Things are different now, from how they were then. We are free, now. But I’d say this is a pretty good start.” There is unabashed fondness on Cas’ face as he looks from his coffee and breakfast up at Dean. It’s such blatant affection that Dean doesn’t quite know how to process it. He clears his throat and looks down, though he’s sure Cas can see the smile on his face anyway. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It only takes a second for him to get himself back under control, and he looks back up at Cas. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Freedom.” He rolls the word around in his mouth. Even though Chuck and Amara were both gone, he hadn’t really felt free as long as Cas was in the Empty (as far as he had known, anyway). He thinks this might be it, though, and he lifts his mug. Cas meets him halfway to clink the rims together, and they both grin broadly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Freedom.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The shift in tone gives Dean some comfort, and he figures that if they’re going to try this communication thing, he should talk about things he doesn’t really tell people. Honesty’s a bitch but he thinks Cas would appreciate it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I never really told anybody this, but I always wanted to be a firefighter. Ever since I was a little kid, I figured if I ever got out of the life I would try and keep anybody else’s mom from dying in a fire, y’know? I haven’t really talked to Sam about it, but I talked to the Lebanon volunteer fire department. I wasn’t gonna apply until I got you back, but I, uh… I have the application.” He didn’t meet Cas’ eyes the whole time he was talking, but he looked up when he finished to find Cas smiling softly at him, eyes full of pure, unrestrained affection. He wondered distantly if that was new, or if he had just never noticed before. He continues eating while he waits for Cas to respond.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think you would be an excellent firefighter. You should do it.” Cas pauses for a moment in thought, and Dean just lets him figure out whatever he wants to say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I would like to learn to garden… There were many things about Heaven that were wrong, but the garden… It was beautiful. I think I would like to have my own, one day.” Cas is looking off into the distance but the smile on his face holds constant. Dean can’t help but grin in response, and all over again everything he feels for Cas practically kicks him in the gut. And Cas </span>
  <em>
    <span>loves</span>
  </em>
  <span> him. Dean doesn’t think he’ll ever understand it, but hell if he’s ever going to question it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you know, I haven’t ever been out there but I think the Men of Letters built a greenhouse outside, up the hill. You can kinda see it when you pull out of the garage. It’s probably in awful shape, but… I’m sure we could fix it up… y’know, if you want.” He isn’t really sure why he is suddenly so nervous, but the toothy, beaming smile that puts on Cas’ face makes it so worth it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I would really like that, Dean, thank you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Feeling a little awkward, unused to seeing himself make Cas happy like that, he just nods and looks down with a mumbled ‘it’s no problem’. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There’s only a moment of silence between them before Sam wanders in, carrying some plastic grocery bags. He smirks when he sees the scene at the table, and drops the bags on the counter. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I went to the store after my run this morning. You guys have a good morning?” He raises his eyebrows and the potential suggestion in his question eludes Cas but certainly not Dean. Dean scowls at him in response and rolls his eyes, though he can't take the smile off his face for long.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I’m gonna take Cas up to the old greenhouse and see if we can fix it up.” Dean’s gaze flicks over to Cas for a split second, just long enough to see that he’s still smiling at Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I actually had an idea… Eileen is coming to stay for a few days, and I was thinking it might be a good chance for you guys to take a little vacation too. The bunker is home but it’s got a lot of memories and stuff in it too, you know? It might be a good time to get away for a bit. Y’know, since Cas is back and all.” Sam shrugs in an overly casual way, and Dean knows what he’s really asking for, but he can’t deny the appeal of a vacation. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Freedom</span>
  </em>
  <span>, right? </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But he doesn’t let Sam have it that easy. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know, Sam, Cas just got here. Shouldn’t he have some time to settle in first?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The look Sam throws back at him tells him he is not amused by the game Dean is trying to play. Dean is reminded by Sam’s expression then that Sam would easily teach a masterclass on giving a convincing bitchface. Dean raises his hands in surrender and turns to Cas, questioning eyebrows raised. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas shrugged, indicating deference to Dean’s opinion.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Where would we even go? Staying in some random motel feels more like work than a vacation.” Dean looks to Sam, expecting that if he’s going to be kicked out of his own home so Sam can have some fun, the least Sam could do is make the arrangements.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I actually was talking to Jody this morning, and apparently Donna has an old friend whose vacation home, some little cabin in Colorado, is just sitting empty right now. I guess it’s pretty nice, she said you could go stay out there for a few days if you wanted.” Sam is nothing short of smug at the revelation, and goes about casually putting the groceries away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Plus, it seems like you two have some stuff to work out, and I’m not interested in even being in the same state as you when you do.” Sam doesn’t even turn around, says it like he’s commenting on the weather. After a moment, wearing a smirk still, he turns to look at Cas and mouths, in a very exaggerated fashion, ‘Dean is </span>
  <em>
    <span>loud</span>
  </em>
  <span>’ and makes a gagging face. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh </span>
  <em>
    <span>alright</span>
  </em>
  <span>, that’s enough. Fine. We’ll go. But you two stay out of my room, and the kitchen table is off limits.” Dean stands, pointing an accusatory finger in Sam’s direction, and looks back at Cas. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How do you feel about taking a vacation?” In response, Cas just grins.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's a little slow going so far,  but today's chapter really sets things up. The more chapters I am planning, the more excited I am for where this is going, so I appreciate your patience! The next chapter shouldn't take quite as long as this one did. Happy New Year!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Castiel, suffice to say, had never been on a vacation. He’d barely even ventured into the territory of imagining himself indulging that way. But, he supposed, that was part of why he became human- leave every bit of heaven behind to embrace every bit of life with the Winchesters. If getting a vacation was part of that deal, who was he to argue?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Even so, having no real frame of reference for what a vacation might look like for them, Cas just offered a nod-shrug of acquiescence. He’d followed Dean to much less pleasant places. Eventually, he found words to match his gestures.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I would enjoy a vacation.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Great, thanks guys. I appreciate it. Can you be out by tonight?” Was Sam’s response, and Dean just chuckled. Cas was amused by their relationship when it had so much levity, and he was filled with gratitude at being invited to be part of it. Not to suggest, of course, that it didn’t have its challenges.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I guess the first item on the agenda is get Cas some new clothes.” Dean stood at the announcement and grinned at both Cas and Sam, which Cas took as his cue to stand and follow Dean out of the kitchen. It was an unusual thought, that he would no longer be wearing his suit-coat combo. It had become something of a security blanket, a reminder of his identity. He imagined that wearing new clothes would be a reminder of his new identity, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On their way down the hall, Cas passed an open door with a mirror hanging on the wall inside. He paused thoughtfully, looking at his reflection, and tried to imagine himself wearing jeans and a flannel shirt. It was much easier, given that he was already wearing Dean’s clothes, and he found he liked the idea more than he would have expected. If he was going to be a Winchester, he suspected it was good to dress the part. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’ll head into town once we’re both ready. I can give you something to wear, or I guess you could put the suit back on?” Dean made the offer once he was standing in front of his own bedroom door. Cas paused to consider for a moment- wear Dean’s clothes again, or wear the outfit he had worn for over a decade one last time?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’ll put my own clothes back on. I don’t expect I will be wearing it again any time soon- I think I may miss it.” He smiled faintly at Dean, who nodded in amused understanding, and stepped into his own bedroom. The bed was still mostly made, furniture (and dust) undisturbed in his absence. He wondered vaguely if he would continue to stay in this room, or if Dean might invite him back. He rather hoped for the latter. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once dressed, with teeth brushed and shoes on, Cas opened the door to his bedroom once more to see Dean leaning sideways against the wall outside waiting for him. Dean quirked a half-smile when he saw Cas come out and clapped a hand on his shoulder, leaving it there as they walked towards the garage. Cas faintly wondered if this was the kind of situation where a couple might hold hands- then he wondered if Dean might ever want to hold his hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The drive to town was short and mostly quiet- the only real talking that was done was Dean listing out what he thought Cas might need. Roughly, it came down to a few pairs of underwear, at least 3 pairs of jeans, some t-shirts, some flannel, some sweats or pajama pants, and a couple various jackets and hoodies plus a new pair of shoes. Cas supposed his wardrobe was about to very closely resemble that of both Dean and Sam, and he wondered if that was a matter of personal taste on their part or if it was a traditional part of the hunter lifestyle. While Dean sang along to the tape he was playing, Cas tried to remember if he had ever seen a hunter in any other kind of clothing (after due consideration, he couldn’t think of any, and felt honored in some small way to participate in this part of the hunter life). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean pulled into one of the very few mens retail shops in tiny Lebanon, making the promise to hit up an Army Surplus after they leave town for any extras.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Overall, the shopping endeavor was relatively uneventful. His previous assumption was correct- he could easily recall Dean wearing something similar or identical to almost any item he got (except the underwear, of course - Cas tried </span>
  <em>
    <span>desperately</span>
  </em>
  <span> to not think of Dean wearing only underwear, because these human urges were much less controllable than he remembered now that Dean was involved). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean insists on picking up lunch from a diner on the way back out of town, and Cas is deeply entertained by Dean’s enthusiasm. Seeing how excited Dean is to share these human experiences with him makes him grieve the first time around - it also makes him grateful that he gets a second chance to see Dean this way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they arrive back at the bunker, Dean seems to have really grown excited about the notion of a few days away from the bunker (personally, Cas is excited about having more quality time with Dean). Dean pulls his duffle bag out from underneath his bed, then a second, smaller one after it. He hands the smaller one to Cas, telling him to pack anything he might want or need. With that instruction in mind, Cas transfers all his new clothes from the plastic bag to the duffel, along with his toothbrush and toothpaste, and his angel blade. While Dean was still gathering his clothes, Cas wondered what else he might enjoy having, and wandered down to the “Dean-Cave”. He scanned the shelves of old DVDs, and grabbed a few that he knew to be Dean’s favorites; a couple horror, several westerns (including, naturally, Tombstone), and the original Star Wars movies. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Stack of DVD cases in his arms, Cas walked back to his room and laid them neatly in the empty space of the duffle bag. He sat on the edge of the bed and waited, peering through his open door into Dean’s room where he was still shoving in toiletries. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m tellin’ ya man, it’s been ages since I’ve stayed in one spot long enough to have unpacked my bag. It’s kinda weird to be packing again,” Dean called over his shoulder, patting the contents down. He wandered down the hall, was silent for a second, then came back and stuck his head in Cas’ room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Do you happen to know where any of my movies went?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I already grabbed them, I thought you might enjoy watching them on our… vacation.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean all-out beamed at him, which made Cas smile in return. Dean stepped into the room and pressed an excited kiss to Cas’ head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You must know me pretty well, huh?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like to think so, but you are still constantly surprising me,” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean squeezed Cas’ arm with a much smaller, richer, more personal smile and strode back to his room to zip his bag closed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready?” Cas called as he stood from the bed, duffle in hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ready.” Dean confirmed, his own duffle slung over his shoulder, and he waited for Cas to join him in the hall before leaning towards the library, where he suspected Sam might be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re headed out, Sammy, see ya later - use protection!” He called out and started walking towards the garage.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have a good time- don’t tell me anything about it!” Was Sam’s reply, and the implications brought a slight blush to Cas’ cheeks that he hoped Dean didn’t notice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bags loaded and route mapped to the cabin address, Dean pulled the car out of the garage and onto the road. His phone estimated that the drive would take approximately 8 hours, so he suspected they should arrive around 9pm. Cas settled into his seat and listened to the roll of the engine, becoming increasingly aware of how attached he, too, had become to the Impala. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna grab us a tape from the box?” Dean looked over at him, smiling in a carefree sort of way that Cas hadn’t seen on him in ages. He mumbled his agreement and pulled the box into his lap to start sifting through, hoping he might find one he also recognizes. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Then, he saw it. Sitting at the bottom of the box, like maybe Dean had stuck it down there on purpose.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>His mixtape.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He grabbed it and pulled it out of the box, holding it questioningly in the air for Dean to explain. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean looked over at him, and when he saw what Cas was holding a blush crept over his face and down his neck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, uh… that. Yeah. I uh- I found it after you… left… and couldn’t bear to let such a good mix go to waste.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But you didn’t listen to it,” Cas had gathered that much from where it sat, buried under the other hundred tapes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, I didn’t.” Dean’s smile was gone now and he stared pointedly at the road, heaving a quiet sigh. Cas knew enough to not ask any further.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Could we… maybe listen to it now?” Cas had always hoped that he would get to listen to the tape one time while Dean was actually with him, and he couldn’t bear to pass up the opportunity now (if Dean agreed). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a thoughtful silence before Dean smiled back, something much smaller and heavier with emotion than before.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, let's do it. Put it in,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas obeyed, and the car soon filled with the introduction to the first song, Ramble On. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I grew to be rather fond of this band, after you gave me this. I understand why you like it.” Cas was looking out his window, listening to the now-familiar lyrics, and smiled faintly at the memory of when Dean had given it to him the first time. Dean had significantly downplayed the gift, and it wasn’t until they were listening to it together that Cas realized how deeply meaningful it was. He smiled softly to himself and listened closely to the familiar lyrics, turning to watch Dean mouth the lyrics and drummed his thumbs on the steering wheel. By the time the tape was over, no matter how many times he had listened to it on its own, Cas thought he might have known Dean a little better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Four hours, and half the drive later, Dean pulls into a gas station to top up. What he does after he has paid for the gas stuns Cas into momentary silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Wanna drive for a bit?” He holds the keys out to Cas, who had gotten out to stretch his legs (what an unusual thing to feel the need to do). He stares at Dean blankly for a moment, to which Dean responds with a light chuckle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I mean, you don’t have to, I just thought…” He trailed off and looked down, suddenly shy for some reason. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would love to. Thank you, Dean.” He smiles faintly at first, but it grows wider and fonder as he takes the keys from Dean and walks around to the driver’s side. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he slides into the seat and shuts the door, Dean is obviously pleased but still a little nervous. Cas doesn’t take it personally- he knows Dean is jumpy about anyone but him or Sam driving her. Sure, Cas has driven her before, but this feels different somehow- Dean has never passed him the keys just because, certainly not when he himself could have gone on driving. This is a gesture much deeper than trading drivers, and Cas knows it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas starts up the car, and slowly pulls out of the gas station parking lot. Knowing it would make Dean grin, he draws his hand affectionately over the steering wheel and pats the dashboard. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Alright, Baby, I know it’s been a while. I’ll be real careful, just don’t give me any trouble.” He speaks carefully, and can see Dean’s fond, amused expression out of the corner of his eye. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After an hour or so, Cas and Dean have both settled more into Cas’s turn driving. He releases the steering wheel with his right hand, still using his left to steer. Mentally, he wonders why he suddenly feels like he’s taking such a risk when he holds his now-free hand out to Dean. Dean gives him a skeptical look, no doubt about him only having one hand on the wheel, but smiles softly and laces their fingers together anyway. They haven’t spoken in over half an hour, and Cas is perfectly ok with that- they are listening to whatever cassette Dean puts in, and it feels now like nothing has changed, like Cas never went to the Empty, like they never had their big fight. This feeling, sitting next to Dean in companionable silence, is a timeless pleasure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas has now been driving for a little over two hours, and they are now passing through Denver. With two hours left to their cabin, most of it winding mountain roads, Cas decides it's time to pass the wheel back to her rightful owner. He pulls into an empty parking lot, lingering sunlight hovering below the Front Range, so they can trade back. Cas blushes but smiles happily when Dean extends a hand to Cas as they pull back onto the highway. Dean returns the expression, and squeezes Cas’ hand when their fingers lace together. They grab a drive-through dinner, stop at a little grocery store, and finish the trek up into the mountains, arriving at their little cabin around 9pm. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s located far down a long gravel driveway, off a rural back road, where there is no light aside from the Impala’s headlights and the moon. It isn’t until Dean pulls the car up to the end of the driveway that they can get their first real look at their cabin, and the sight brings a smile to Cas’ face. The old log cabin is small, but obviously well-loved and consistently cared for. The front porch is covered in planters of all kinds, herbs and flowers sitting on the deck and hanging from the roof. There are two rocking chairs sitting on the deck next to the front door, and Cas can see the welcome sign that is supposed to have the key hung on the back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he looks over at Dean, he can see the kind of soft smile that he only gets when the two of them are alone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“This is nicer than I was expecting,” Dean mutters quietly, and Cas hums in agreement. Of all the cabins they had ever been in, this seemed to be in a different category altogether. Not that it was spectacular in any real sense, but it is easy to be impressed by average when they’ve only experienced dilapidated or abandoned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Go ahead and get the door unlocked and lights turned on, I’ll get our bags.” Dean squeezes Cas’ hand and turns the car off, rounding to the back of the car to collect their bags while Cas walks up to the front door. It is cool outside, thanks to the altitude, but not unpleasant. He pauses to appreciate the flourishing plants before grabbing the key from the back of the sign. Door unlocked, he wanders in and flips on the main lightswitch right inside the front door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Right inside the front door is the great room - on the right is the full kitchen, and a small wooden dining table. On the left is the living space, with a couch, chair, coffee table, and wood-burning stove tucked in the corner. There is one wall of built-in shelves, housing hundreds of books. There were two doors at the back of the cabin, one on the back wall and the other on the right wall. Straight back is the bedroom, and to the right is the small bathroom. As Cas walks back through the cabin, he can see that the bedroom has a door to the outside as well as several windows. Everything is clean, cozy, and seemingly in good condition. It is indeed far better than any of the other cabins Cas has seen, particularly in relation to the Winchesters, and he is grateful this might actually turn out to be something like a vacation- even if they are only to be gone for a few days. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Once he has scoped the place out, and sees Dean carrying in two duffle bags, Cas walks back out to the car and grabs the grocery bags before carrying them into the kitchen and closing the front door behind him. As he walks back in, he hears Dean utter a low, impressed whistle from the bedroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas had noticed that there was only one bed in the bedroom, and he glanced to the couch. He was aware that, sure, he spent several hours last night sharing a bed with Dean, but there had been extenuating circumstances, and Dean certainly had not intended on it when they went to bed. He decided to assume he would be taking the couch, and wait (albeit hopefully) to see if Dean might say otherwise. He mindlessly put the groceries in their proper place, whether in the pantry or the fridge, as he thought back over the last couple days and how much his life had changed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas was certainly grateful that this was not his first time being human- the overwhelming nature of senses and emotions did not take him by surprise this time, instead he was able to enjoy the feeling of truly being </span>
  <em>
    <span>alive</span>
  </em>
  <span> in a way he did not feel when he was an angel. He missed some things greatly about being an angel; the perfected sight and hearing, no need to bathe or use the bathroom, perfect control over his body in every way. But these conveniences didn’t outweigh the joy of eating good food, of having dreams, of bonding with Dean through the effects of alcohol, or feeling emotions down to the core without any barrier. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Duuude!” Dean’s enthusiastic call breaks Cas away from his thoughts, “this bed is awesome.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m glad you think so,” Cas responds with an amused grin, closing the pantry cabinet. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“C’mere, man, you gotta try it!” Cas simply laughs and walks back towards the bedroom. Dean has set both duffle bags on the floor and is now lying on one half of the queen bed. With all due caution not to unnecessarily touch Dean, he lies down next to him and hums in approval. He had no grounds on which to judge the mattress except those at the bunker, but he took Dean’s word for it anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was planning on, uh, sleeping on the couch,” Cas mumbles after a moment of quiet, and it makes Dean turn his head toward him with raised eyebrows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What? I- I mean you can sleep wherever you want, but I, uh…” Dean flounders for the words to communicate, “I mean. You don’t have to. The bed’s bigger than the ones at the bunker.” His explanation is flimsy at best and Cas knows it, but he gets the point and appreciates it nonetheless.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, alright. Thank you, Dean.” Cas smiles shyly at him and Dean just nods, cheeks flushing softly in a way that makes Cas’ stomach twist pleasantly. He caught himself thinking for perhaps the hundredth time in the last two days how much he would very like to kiss Dean, but he was loath to rush Dean into anything. If the most he was getting right now was sharing a bed, that would have to be enough until Dean was ready.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” Dean raises his eyebrows questioningly, effectively calling Cas out on his staring. He shakes his head and looks back up to the ceiling. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nothing. I’m going to change,” He smiles as means of reassuring Dean, and stands from the bed. He gathers a t-shirt and pair of new sweatpants from his bag along with his toothbrush and carries it to the bathroom, which Dean seems to find amusing, but he ignores the chuckle he hears. He looks at himself in the mirror when he closes the bathroom door, taking in his suit and trench coat. He has worn this outfit for practically as long as he can remember- any time before he looked like Jimmy Novak feels like a different lifetime (if measured by times he’s died, it was indeed many lifetimes ago). But it was time for a new lifetime to start now, he supposed, as he tugged on the familiar blue tie. He was pretty confident he would never get rid of the outfit, but things had changed now, and with those changes came new things like</span>
  <em>
    <span> pajamas</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Luxuries he had never gotten to experience as a human before. He was immensely grateful to Dean for affording him so much comfort in his humanity. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He carefully removed his coat, suit jacket, white shirt, and slacks, folding each and placing them in a small pile, then sliding on the sweats and t-shirt. While in the bathroom, he used the toilet (still weird, but he was adjusting) and brushed his teeth, before returning to the bedroom. When he walked back in, Dean was dressed similarly to him, sitting on the foot of the bed. When Cas walked in, Dean turned to look at him and his face held all the fondness and affection Cas had ever seen there, which Cas immediately mirrored. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>To Cas’ surprise, Dean stands up when Cas drops his discarded clothing into his duffel bag, and comes over to wrap his arms around Cas’ shoulders. Cas returns the gesture, wrapping his arms around Dean’s waist, and sighs softly when Dean leaned his head against Cas’. Emboldened by Dean’s display of affection, Cas drops a gentle kiss to Dean’s shoulder through his worn t-shirt, and Dean tightens his hold in response. No words have been spoken yet, and Cas thinks it wise to leave space for Dean to say whatever he’s thinking. In the end, Dean says nothing, just presses his lips softly to the side of Cas’ head and lets him go. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They climb into bed on their respective sides, neither making a move to touch the other. Cas lies on his back, breathing steadily but not especially comfortable, and he can feel Dean tossing and turning every few seconds. Finally he stills, also on his back, with a huff. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know…” Dean ventures in a soft tone, obviously hesitant,“I slept really good last night.” The subtle hint is good enough for Cas to move a couple inches towards Dean and turns his head to the side to face him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean?” he turns to face Cas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” Cas holds an arm out towards him, creating a space against his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas would bet anything Dean’s face turned pink, and he was a little upset he couldn’t see it, but after a moment of hesitation Dean moved over into Cas’ side. His head rested under Cas’ collarbone, arm tossed across Cas’ waist, and Cas wrapped his arms around Dean securely. He pressed his nose into Dean’s hair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Goodnight, Dean.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Night, Cas.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm working on attempting a Monday evening posting schedule, so check back on Monday evening (1/4) around 6 or 7 CST for the next chapter!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This one took a few more hours than anticipated (it's like twice as long as any of the chapters so far) but I think it will be a fun read.</p>
<p>Also, the end of this chapter is NSFW - it wasn't originally in my plan but the boys get extra affectionate. I'll mark the section with dashes in case anyone would like to skip it, it isn't too significant to the overall plot (but they waited a long time to be together, and I'm trying to improve my smut writing ability, so you can expect similar scenes on a semi-regular basis).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In the morning, Dean woke up slowly. He was warm, and comfortable, with a strong back pressed to his chest and tucked under his arm. One by one he took stock of what he was feeling, not yet interested in opening his eyes. He didn’t have the same concerns this morning that he had yesterday about waking up with Cas in his bed. In fact, he thought he might want to stay here all day. He was well-rested, too- he had slept better last night than any other night in recent memory, and elected not to think too hard about that (or about how long it had been since he had felt genuinely “well-rested”).</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The bed wasn’t quite as comfortable as the one in his bedroom, but it was noticeably bigger. Big enough for two, certainly. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m sharing a bed with Cas. I’m gonna be sharing a bed with Cas all the time. Cas is alive and in my bed. Sleeping. Because he’s human now. And he loves me.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean tightened his grip on Cas’ waist at the thought and smiled against the back of his neck. Yesterday he had been sure he didn’t want Cas to find Dean holding him, but there was something about being in this little cabin, alone together, that made Dean think maybe they could be a real couple- at least for now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stayed that way, holding Cas, until the other man’s breathing changed and he began to stir. All together, it had been about half an hour (Dean guessed, he didn’t bother to check the time- he was pretty sure that was the essence of being on vacation). Eventually, Cas rolled over in Dean’s arms until he was on his back, looking up at Dean with bleary blue eyes and a small, sleepy smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morning, sunshine,” Dean grinned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning,” Cas mumbled, and it was immediately followed by a yawn. </span>
</p><p>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God, this is surreal.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“Stay here, I’ll go make us some breakfast and bring it back.” Dean’s voice was scratchy from sleep. He pressed a chaste kiss to Cas’ cheek and rolled out of bed, leaving Cas stretching in bed with a broad smile. Dean was becoming more and more aware of how beautiful Cas’ smile was, and was upset that he didn’t do more to see it before Cas went to the Empty. Dean decided to do as much as he possibly could to see it as often as possible. He also decided that he wanted more than anything to kiss Cas breathless, but he refused to let their first kiss be tainted with morning breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The peace that had lodged itself deep in Dean’s soul on the drive yesterday started taking root in a way that was both brand new and deeply, earth-shatteringly </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrifying</span>
  </em>
  <span>. He couldn’t manage to wrap his head around it- it was the kind of peace that came with </span>
  <em>
    <span>home</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>family</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and </span>
  <em>
    <span>love</span>
  </em>
  <span>. The kind of peace that hunting made impossible, that was made of glass and Dean had never been able to hold onto. The kind of peace he had before he knew what was out there in the dark, when he was still getting his crusts cut off of his sandwiches. The kind of peace that was so easily lost he could hardly allow himself to have it. Somehow, though, the little bubble he and Cas have found in this little cabin makes Dean want to forget everything that has ever happened to him before this moment, everything that had come between him and Cas. It also, in true Winchester fashion, is pretty unsettling- Dean doesn't know how to handle a feeling like <em>peace</em>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He pondered on this feeling while mixing pancake batter and frying bacon. He made bacon and eggs, pancakes, and coffee, and carried Cas’ into the bedroom first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you Dean, this looks wonderful!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ll be right back with mine, hold on.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean set the plate in Cas’ hand and put the mug on the side table before hurrying back to the kitchen to grab his own breakfast and settle back into the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The last time Dean had made anyone breakfast in bed, aside from forcing Sam to stay in bed from illness or injury, was when he lived with Lisa- he made her breakfast in bed on her birthday. It was astounding to realize that had been a decade ago- it did feel like an entirely different lifetime, or perhaps only a dream. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean settled on the bed, leaning back against the headboard. He took a sip of the coffee and looked over at Cas, preparing to ask what he wanted to do today, when Cas spoke first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is there anything you’re still angry at me for?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean stopped and stared at him in bewilderment.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I- I don’t know, I just don’t want to start… whatever this is… with anything between us.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And… And you think right now is the best time to have that conversation?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to upset you, I just know that a lot of things happened and you were very upset at me before everything happened, and I want to-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t want to talk about that stuff right now, Cas. We’re having such a nice morning, I just want to enjoy our breakfast and talk about what we’re going to do today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’ expression turned to one of concerned confusion, and Dean grew frustrated. The peace that he had been enjoying was cracking now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So you are still angry at me about something, then?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m a little angry you’re messing up our morning with this conversation,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t understand why, I just don’t want us to fight about anything that could ruin-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, Cas, I’m sorry I just wanted to have a quiet breakfast with you. To answer your question, yes. I am angry,” Dean huffed and stood, plate abandoned on the nightstand. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he was the one making an argument out of nothing. He knew Cas was right, that they needed to talk about things, but he just couldn’t yet. He needed the bubble, needed the peace and the denial just a little longer and Cas ruined it. He had to go and talk about </span>
  <em>
    <span>reality</span>
  </em>
  <span>. About their </span>
  <em>
    <span>mistakes</span>
  </em>
  <span>. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, Dean didn’t get to have peace. He didn’t get to have quiet mornings with smiles and coffee and sunlight streaming through the windows. He only got tension, and fighting, and frustration because he messed up everything else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean, I didn’t-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean shook his head and walked to the bedroom door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s fine, Cas.” Dean grabbed a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and his pistol from his duffel at the foot of the bed and walked out, leaving Cas upset and confused. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean changed his t-shirt and threw on his jeans when he got into the bathroom, then brushed his teeth. He left his sweatpants in the corner and walked out, headed straight for the front door. He laced up his boots aggressively, frustrated at Cas and outright angry at himself, then left the cabin to walk through the woods around the cabin with his gun tucked into his waistband (he’s upset, not stupid). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He rounded the side of the house to the back, and through the window he could see Cas staring down at his cup of coffee with clear distress. Guilt started hammering away at him, but he kept walking. Behind the cabin was a little trail, and he started hiking down it. Nearly an hour he leisurely walked down this path, doing everything he could to avoid thinking about the man he left in the cabin. All the times he was angry at Cas for walking out, and he had turned and done the same thing the second he got the chance. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean paused to lean against a large pine tree, wishing he had brought water with him as he huffed in large breaths. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn, I’m out of shape.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Apparently, spending months sitting in a library then going up thousands of feet in elevation did not lend itself to keeping fit.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he caught his breath, he turned the next corner and was stunned by what he saw. A little pond, surrounded completely by trees, with crystal clear (and undoubtedly freezing cold) water and not even a dock to suggest any human interaction before him. He smiled to himself for the first time since starting this hike, and sat down on a rock on the edge of the water. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sat there, looking out at the trees and the water and the wildlife, for about an hour before he could feel himself start to get hungry. He thought back to how many weeks upon weeks collectively he had spent in one forest or another, and yet he so rarely stopped to appreciate it (though that probably had more to do with whatever creepy crawly he was out there to gank at the time). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a sigh, Dean stood from his rock and started back towards the cabin and considered what he might want to cook for lunch for him and Cas. Obviously, it wasn’t actually Cas’ fault they were fighting, so it wouldn’t be right to leave him without lunch. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>By the time he arrived back, feeling tired, sweaty, and much calmer than he had when he left. He also had a meal plan for the rest of the day. Dean wanted something easy for lunch, so he decided on sandwiches, and a cheesy pasta dish for dinner (he knew he would need to apologize at some point and comfort food seemed like a good way to do that, but an apology would probably mean having the conversation Cas was talking about and he wasn’t quite ready for that just yet). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He approached the front of the cabin and found Cas, book in hand, sitting in one of the rocking chairs on the front porch. The sight made him smile before he could stop himself. It faded when he recalled the pointless argument, and after a second Cas looked up from his book at the sound of Dean approaching. His expression was neutral, inquisitive, and perhaps a little sad. Obviously, he was waiting for Dean to be antagonistic towards him, and it made Dean sad that it was a reasonable fear. He doesn’t have the right words yet to fix it, though, so he just claps Cas on the shoulder and walks inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas doesn’t come in the entire time Dean is putting lunch together, and the quiet that brought him peace hours ago unsettles him now. He makes up both plates, his own with a ham and turkey sandwich and Cas’ with a PB&amp;J, then grabs two beers and walks back outside. When he turns towards Cas, he is met with a confused look, which Dean meets with a not-quite-smile and gesture to the plates. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Made lunch,” Dean mumbles hopefully.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you, you didn’t have to do that,” Cas responds with a small smile, and takes the plate and bottle. His smile grows when he notices that Dean made his favorite, and it eases the knot in Dean’s chest a little. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is this seat taken?” Dean looks to the second rocking chair, and Cas shakes his head so Dean sits down. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Neither of them say anything while they take their first bites, and the silence is tense with unsaid words. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the end, it’s Cas who speaks first. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry for this morning, Dean. You obviously didn’t want to talk about it, I shouldn’t have pushed.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean sighs, the guilt on his shoulders doubling down, and he looks down at his plate. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, you don’t need to apologize. You were right, we need to talk about all of that stuff. I just didn’t want to think about it, and everything has been so good, and I guess I don’t really know how to have good things without screwing them up. I’m sorry,” Dean finally looks over at Cas, and the expression he is met with is one overflowing with compassion. Cas reaches over and grabs Dean’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“We’re both learning, Dean. I know you’re still adjusting to me being back, and still processing the things I said before the Empty, and neither of us have done this before. I can be patient with you, but I need you to be patient with me too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’ understanding floors Dean, and he kinda wants to either cry or punch something to loosen the knot in his chest. Instead, he just nods and squeezes Cas’ hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I want to have that important conversation with you, make sure we’re starting on a blank slate. I just… not yet, ok? Maybe later tonight?” Dean sips on his beer when he finishes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I would like that. Thank you.” Cas nods with a small smile and lets go of Dean’s hand to work on his sandwich. Dean takes a breath and tucks his beer between his knees before taking another bite of his own sandwich. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What book are you reading?” He looks over at Cas, the final agreement that everything is good and they’re moving forward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It is the first book in the Lord of the Rings series. I have a general knowledge of the plot thanks to Metatron, and that time we watched them those years ago, but I thought I would enjoy reading them myself. It’s fortunate that the owner of this cabin happened to have them.” Cas smiled and lifted the book to show Dean the cover, and Dean grinned proudly. He was immensely grateful that Cas had taken at least some interest in the things Dean enjoyed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I read those books a long time ago, in my twenties. I would hide them because I didn’t want my dad to see me reading for fun. He said it was a waste of time, but I think it just reminded him of Sam, since he was at school at the time,” Dean spoke thoughtfully, remembering that time as though it were a dream. He smiled faintly when he glanced back to Cas’ face, and Cas returned it with a look of sympathy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry you had to live that way for so long. I hope we have a lot of time for reading now,” He smiled, and Dean couldn’t help but return it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think we will.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next couple hours passed that way. When they had finished their beers and sandwiches, Dean took the bottles and plates inside and grabbed a book from the shelf to read himself. He went back outside, back to the rocking chair, and he thought distantly that he really, really wanted to spend the rest of his life like this. </span>
  <em>
    <span>This must be what all those people were talking about when they were talking about retirement. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean kept expecting himself to get bored, to get preoccupied listening for something suspicious in the trees or waiting for something to go wrong, but he did not. Something had gone wrong- he’d started an argument for no reason, and everything was still fine. They handled it, and now he felt more confident that he could handle whatever might happen (confident enough to enjoy himself, anyway). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna go put some dinner together, then I thought I might put a fire in the wood-burning stove,” Dean pushes himself out of the seat and kisses the top of Cas’ head. As he walks past, Cas looks up at him and grabs his wrist to stop him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean smiled back at him, bright and real, and brushed a hand through his dark brown hair. The words were on the tip of his tongue, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I love you too</span>
  </em>
  <span>, nothing had ever been more true, but he just couldn’t get his mouth to form the words. He thought that Cas knew anyway, though, so he just cupped Cas’ cheek for a second before withdrawing and walking inside. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean was just about to put the dish in the tiny oven when Cas came back inside. Dean suspected the sun was setting and he had lost his reading light. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There is some wood stacked by the stove in the living room, if you want to get a fire started. My lighter is in my jeans pocket,” Dean called over his shoulder. Cas came up behind him as he slipped his hands into the oven mitts, and pressed an open-mouthed kiss to the side of Dean’s neck as he reached a hand into Dean’s pocket. Dean smirked and turned his head towards Cas when he started pulling away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t start anything you’re not gonna finish,” He calls over his shoulder as Cas walks into the living room, then slides the casserole dish into the oven and closes the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Who said anything about not finishing it?” Cas replied as he started stacking wood into the little furnace. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Ohho, big talk,” Dean chuckles, then walks into the living room and sits on the couch. Cas lights the fire and closes the lighter, setting it on the coffee table. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you’ll find me perfectly willing to follow through,” Cas looked up at Dean with a smirk, then moved to sit next to him on the couch, “after we talk and have dinner.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean wrapped an arm around his shoulders and hugged him close.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Then I think you’ll find me willing to take you up on that,” He looked down at Cas, “What is it that we need to talk about? I want you to feel good about everything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At this, Cas sighs and leans into Dean’s side, his good humor fading. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, it isn’t something specific. There was a lot that happened between us over the last ten years, and we have a history of miscommunication. I just want to make sure there is nothing left unresolved- I don’t like fighting with you, and I don’t like knowing you’re upset with me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Honestly, Cas… We’ve both screwed up a hell of a lot. Sure, when the empty took you, I think part of me was still angry about what happened to my mom. But then you </span>
  <em>
    <span>died</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Cas. You were </span>
  <em>
    <span>gone</span>
  </em>
  <span>. And after, when I was sitting there in that room, numb and grieving, none of that stuff seemed to matter anymore. What you did, the things I said, they were all mistakes and they didn’t matter if you weren’t there for me to be mad at. So… I guess I let that stuff go when I started trying to get you back. And I don’t want you to carry any of that guilt anymore. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for putting that guilt on you, and I forgive you for all of it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When had been looking at the fire as he spoke, but when he finished he looked down to find Cas looking at him with tears forming in his eyes. Dean smiled sadly at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry it took me so long to say it,” Dean whispered, and Cas just smiled faintly at him in response. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“That means a lot to me, Dean. You’re sure there’s nothing else?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I was pretty pissed at you for sacrificing yourself for me, and for doing it right after you told me you love me, but I guess you’re forgiven because you came back.” Dean is much less serious now, and his expression shows it. He doesn’t handle these emotionally heavy conversations very well, not ones likes this, but he hopes Cas gets what he needs from it. As far as Dean is concerned, once Cas came back everything is a fresh start. Dean is dedicated now to not let anything stand in the way of his and Cas’ happiness, whatever that looks like as long as they are together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You know I had to say it </span>
  <em>
    <span>to</span>
  </em>
  <span> save you, you know I never would have told you otherwise,” Cas gives him a look that tells him this should be obvious information, but he finds himself being surprised anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Never</span>
  </em>
  <span>? You would have never said </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything</span>
  </em>
  <span>?” Dean raises his eyebrows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You weren’t going to say anything either,” Cas shoots back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know, I might have! Maybe when everything was done, with Chuck gone and Jack running things, if we got to retire.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that what you want? To retire?” Cas sits up to look at him from eye level now, and Dean looks from him back to the fire as he thinks about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t. Sam and I still used to do a hunt every few weeks, I was pretty sure that when I brought you back things were just going to go back to how they used to be. But now…” Dean looked around at their little cabin and pulled one corner of his mouth up into a half smile, then looked down at Cas. “Now I think if retirement is anything like this, it wouldn’t be half bad.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas raises an eyebrow and his lips quirk up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Is that so?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it is.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well I’m glad. I think you should retire.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Cas?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes, Dean?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m gonna kiss you, now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A smile breaks out on Cas’ face and he nods enthusiastically. Dean takes that as permission and rests his palm against Cas’ jaw, brushing a thumb across his cheekbone and meeting Cas’ eyes before leaning forward and pressing his lips to Cas’. It’s sweet, and soft, and soothes something in Dean’s very soul. When he pulls away, it’s with a big, dopey smile on both faces. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Evidently not finished, Cas wraps a hand around the back of Dean’s neck and pulls him back into another, more energetic kiss. Dean chuckles against his lips at his enthusiasm, but responds in kind. The hand Dean had on Cas’ face moves to thread into his hair when he feels Cas’ tongue against his lips, then Dean parts them with a small grin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Damn, is this what I’ve been missing this whole time?” Dean chuckled, which made Cas laugh.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m quite inexperienced so I hope you find my kissing abilities acceptable,” he replied, voice breathy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuckin’ acceptable…” Dean scoffed with a laugh and pulled Cas back in, lips parted. His tongue brushed against Cas’ for the first time and he wondered how he could be expected to ever do anything but this ever again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a couple minutes of this, Dean’s jeans are decidedly less comfortable. He grabs Cas by the hips and hauls him up into Dean’s lap. Cas gets the memo and settles a leg on each side of Dean, wrapping both arms around his neck, and Dean leaves his hands settled on Cas’ hips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Whether by accident or surprise stroke of expertise, Dean has no idea, Cas rolls his hips down against Dean’s lap and Dean feels Cas’ forming erection press into his own. They both let out low groans, and Dean pulls away from the kiss for a second to catch his breath. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Cas, is this what you want?” Dean meets Cas’ eyes, and finds nothing but affection and lust there- not an ounce of doubt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Absolutely, Dean.” He smiles softly in response, and Dean leans forward to press a much softer, chaste kiss to Cas’ mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good. And, Cas?” Dean draws a hand up to brush Cas’ hair back from his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yes?” He raises an eyebrow at Dean. Dean beams at him in response, feeling the peace from this morning settle back into his chest. It’s not made of glass this time, though- this time, it’s made of steel, and he’s pretty sure it’s not going anywhere as long as Cas is with him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I love you, too.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas’ face cracks into a vibrant, gummy smile and he leans forward to take Dean into another kiss. Dean returns the kiss with passion, and they have figured out a rhythm now of moving lips and tongues together. Cas presses his hips down into Deans again and Dean hums into the kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Feeling bold now with the knowledge that Cas is as into this as he is, one of Dean moves a hand from Cas’ hip to palm the front of his jeans. The feeling makes Cas pull away from the kiss to lean his forehead against Dean’s and let out a low moan, making Dean smirk. He repeats the motion with a little more pressure, and leans forward to press his lips to Cas’ jaw. The feeling of having Cas’ skin against his lips, Cas’ pleasure in his hands, it is different from anyone else he has ever been with this way. So, so much better. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Dean,” Cas pants, “tell-<em>mmmmh</em>... tell me what to do,” He rests his forehead now against Dean’s shoulder, as Dean sucks a mark into the soft skin below the hinge of his jaw. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It occurs to Dean then that sure, Cas isn’t technically a virgin, but theoretically he also had never been with a man before (and honestly Dean’s hesitant to count what happened with April at all). The thought makes Dean smile against Cas’ skin- he’s in new territory here, and Cas is learning all of this for the first time. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>At first, Dean goes to use his words, but none come. Instead, he uses his free hand to grab Cas’ wrist and places it over Dean's own erection. When it seems like Cas gets the idea, Dean finally whispers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just do what feels natural, and you can follow my lead.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He feels Cas nod, and Dean sucks in a gasp when he starts applying pressure. Once he’s confident Cas has a handle on the mechanics, Dean lets go of his wrist and uses both hands to undo the button and zipper on Cas’ jeans. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean is entirely used to quick and dirty handjobs when there’s some kind of time pressure or the setting isn’t quite right, but halfway through working his hand into Cas’ jeans he realizes this time isn’t like that. They have all the time and all the privacy in the world. They are isolated enough that they could both parade around naked if they felt so inclined, and could for days- nobody was going to come looking for them. There was no need for “quick and dirty”. Cas deserved the very, very best and for once, Dean could actually give it to him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That thought in mind, Dean retracted his hand and sat up straight to meet Cas’ eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I wanna do this right. Stand up and give me two minutes, ok?” He grins, eyebrows lifted. Cas looks at him curiously, but must choose to keep his thoughts to himself because he nods and stands up from Dean’s lap. Dean stands, and walks to the cupboard. Off the shelf he grabs a package of little tealight candles (probably kept in case of a power outage), then grabs his lighter from the coffee table and walks into the bedroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Just stay out there for a second!” He feels Cas’ eyes on him as he crosses the cabin, but tries not to let it make him self conscious when he sets the candles up on the nightstands and makes up the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Little candles lit and bed made, Dean makes the executive decision that he doesn’t want to overwhelm Cas by doing too many things at once. No, they have all the time they need- Dean wants to show him everything. He calls for Cas to come into the bedroom, and when Cas does it’s with a small, incredibly affectionate smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You don’t have to do anything special for me, Dean. Being here with you is special enough.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean just shakes his head and walks over to him, wrapping his arms around Cas’ waist. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Shut up and let me make this nice. We only get one first time, and if I can take advantage of being on vacation with you, you can be damn sure I will,” Dean tugs Cas into a kiss before grabbing onto the hem of his t-shirt. The kiss is slow and rich with emotion, and when they pull back for a breath Dean tugs the t-shirt up over Cas’ head, tossing it to the side. Cas is smiling when Dean looks at him, and he reaches for the hem of Dean’s own shirt. Dean holds out his arms to give Cas space and permission, and Cas pulls it up over his head. Cas tosses the shirt in the same direction Dean had, then drapes his hands over Dean’s shoulders and drags them slowly down his chest. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have seen you without a shirt a number of times, and have never gotten to touch,” Cas mumbles, almost to himself. Dean huffs a laugh and plants a kiss on Cas’ lips. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Well, sunshine, you’re welcome to touch any time.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas chuckles and nods, running his hands back up to wrap around Dean’s neck. Dean pulls Cas by his hips until they are pressed flush together, then tucks his thumbs into the waistband of Cas’ jeans. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I take these off?” His voice is no more than a whisper, but Cas hears him anyway and nods his consent. Dean pushes his jeans down until they pool around his feet, then grabs Cas by the hips and guides him to step out of the jeans and around until his legs bump against the mattress. Cas sits automatically, then looks up at Dean for affirmation as his hands go to the button on Dean's jeans. Dean gives him a short nod and leans forward to bring their lips back together as Cas tugs on the button and zipper, then pushes the jeans down. Dean steps out of the denim to kneel on the bed next to Cas, then pushes a hand to Cas' shoulder until he leans back against the pillows. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean moves to give him space to swing his legs up onto the bed, then straddles his thighs. He grabs Cas' hands then, and grins at him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Just let me know if you want me to stop," He says before leaning forward and pressing his lips to Cas' collarbone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't think that will be necessary, but ok," Cas chuckles, and his hands stay on Dean- wherever he can touch, his hands run across Dean's back, sides, shoulder, through his hair. The motion is intentional, and Dean rather likes how it feels to have Cas' hands all over him, but the intent is to make Cas lose all higher brain function, so that just won't do. Dean works his way down Cas' chest, then stops to lick right across Cas' left nipple. The instant he does, Cas sucks in a loud gasp and his hands still. Dean smirks against his skin at the discovery and spends several seconds kissing, licking, nipping at one nipple then the other. Dean savors each little gasp, every moan and exclamation, but he knows it's time to get on to the main show. He leaves a trail of wet kisses down Cas' torso, moving down Cas' body as he goes until he is comfortably eye-level with Cas' now very prominent erection. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he gets to where he wants to be, Dean chances a look up at Cas and sees two wide blue eyes looking down at him. He doesn't think he will ever get used to seeing so much love in Cas' eyes. He turns back to the waistband of Cas' boxers, and unceremoniously pulls them all the way down. Eager to get started, he wraps his thumb and forefinger around the base of Cas' cock and licks a broad, wet stripe from base to tip. It pulls a low groan from Cas, and Dean knows they're both about to <em>really</em> enjoy this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Dean presses a tender kiss to the tip, using the very tip of his tongue to lick off the small drop of precum there, and feels the sheets pull taut as Cas grips them in tight fists. When he finally opens his mouth and sinks down onto him, he reaches a hand up to grab one of Cas' from the sheet and bring it to Dean's hair. Instantly, Cas threads his fingers into it and grips firmly. He isn't pulling (though Dean has been known to enjoy some hair pulling when he gives a blow job) and he isn't guiding Dean's movement, but Dean enjoys the feeling. Not as much, perhaps, as he is loving the feeling of having Cas' cock in his mouth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas is definitely well-endowed, but Dean's had enough practice through the years to know how to take him all the way down with relative ease. When his nose hits the coarse, curly hair at the base, he feels Cas inhale sharply. He lets it out as a loud moan when Dean swallows around him and sucks lightly as he lifts back up. He explores Cas and the way he reacts to different things, so turned on from the sounds Cas is making and the taste of him on his tongue that he can't stop from rocking his hips occasionally against the mattress.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He circles his tongue around the head, which earns a sharp cry of pleasure from Cas. Dean hums in response, pleased with how vocal Cas is, and when Cas feels the vibrations his hips give an aborted jerk up. When he hears an apology in the midst of Cas' heavy breathing, he pulls off entirely and laves wet, soft kisses to the crease of his thigh and the curve of his hip bone for only a second. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You can move, you won't hurt me. I like knowing you're enjoying yourself," Dean tosses a wink back up at him before taking him back into his mouth. He runs his tongue along a vein and gives one good suck before the hand in his hair really tightens, and what he hears will feature prominently in his alone time for the foreseeable future.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah- ahhh, shit, Dean-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas swearing is so much sexier than it has any right to be. He can tell Cas is close now, too, so he redoubles his effort and circles back to repeat all the things that seemed to get the biggest reactions from Cas. All in all, it is only another minute before Cas is shouting Dean's name without restraint (perks of having no neighbors) and spilling down his throat. Cum has never been an especially enjoyable flavor in Dean's opinion, but the look of awe on Cas' face makes it so worth it that Dean doesn't even notice when he swallows it down. He gives Cas a second to recover, spending a moment to suck a vibrantly colored hickey into his hip, before sliding back up the bed to lie next to Cas. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>As soon as he's within reach, Cas pulls him into a deep kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That was incredible, Dean, thank you," he pants softly, which makes Dean grin. He kisses Cas once more, but he cuts it off with a sharp gasp when he feels Cas' hand grip his angry-red erection. He strokes Dean slowly at first, but the friction isn't right without anything to ease the way (Dean has no interest in chafing, and this is an excellent educational moment), so Dean grabs his wrist to stop him. Cas looks up at him with wide, fearful eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Was- was that not right? I'm sorr-"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"No! No it was great- but it'll help if I..." Dean leans over the side of the bed to his duffel bag, and pulls out a small bottle of lube. He clicks open the cap with his thumb, and still gripping Cas' wrist, pours just enough into his palm. He closes the lid and tosses the bottle back into the bag. "Try that." He leans forward and captures Cas' lips with his, humming softly when he feels Cas' hand around him again. Cas is a little more hesitant this time, but Dean gives a low moan and Cas picks up the speed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Cas breaks from Dean's lips to work his way across his jaw to his neck, and when he stops to suck a bruise into the soft skin Dean sucks in a breath, releasing it in a slow sigh. The build is slow, and warm. When his orgasm comes, it has less to do with Cas' skill (truthfully it wasn't very technically impressive- Dean really looks forward to helping Cas practice) and more to do with the fact that<em><strong> Cas</strong> is jacking him off right now. </em>It doesn't hit him like a train, instead it rolls through him like a wave, and Dean presses his face into Cas' neck as the pleasure takes him over.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>He kisses Cas' shoulder, short and sweet and chaste, before rolling onto his back so he could reach the box of tissues on the nightstand. He cleans them up quickly, and when he checks his watch he sees there are only 3 minutes left before he has to take dinner out of the oven. </p><p>"I gotta go get dinner out of the oven for us. Blow out the candles and meet me in the living room?" He looks over at Cas with raised eyebrows, and Cas nods with a soft smile.</p><p>"Thank you for cooking. I'll be out there in a moment," </p><p>Dean presses a soft kiss to Cas' temple and rolls out of bed. He stops by the bathroom to grab his discarded sweatpants from that morning, and heads into the kitchen. By the time Cas joins him, also wearing only a pair of sweatpants, Dean is pulling the dish out of the oven.</p><p>They eat on the couch in front of the fire, pressed together from shoulder to hip to knee, in relative silence. Dean has every intent to take a shower, clean up a little, all the responsible things- but the second they are finished eating and the plates are in the sink, they both crash into bed in a tangle of limbs. </p><p>"Goodnight, Dean. I love you," Cas whispers, fading quickly.</p><p>"Night, Cas. Love you too."</p><p>For the second night in a row in <em>years, </em>Dean doesn't wake up once from nightmares. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>FRIENDS! I am so sorry that it took so long! This chapter, for whatever reason, was the most difficult for me to write by far. It's overwhelmingly sweet and fluffy, beware of cavities gained. I also forget that there are real, actual, alive people who are interested in reading things I write, so there's that. I appreciate your patience! Hopefully you enjoy it!</p>
<p>(Disclaimer: I don't have a beta, and sometimes I can't even reread my own work, so apologies for any mistakes!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When Cas wakes up the following morning, sunlight is streaming through the windows and a small, easy smile is settled on his face. Dean is still out next to him, his arm draped across Cas’ chest. He tries to stay still to not disturb Dean, but can’t resist turning his head to watch and appreciate the peace Dean seems to feel. He’s laying on Cas’ outstretched arm, and Cas notes the novelty of his hand having gone numb. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas stays there for some time, recalling all the other times he had seen Dean sleep- ratty motel beds, Bobby’s couch, the bunker library, his bedroom. It was always restless, and always short-lived. Cas did his best to commit this sight to memory- Dean leaning into Cas’ space, a peaceful expression on his face, 8+ hours of sleep with nowhere else to be. This is what he had always wanted for Dean- but never did Cas expect to be able to see it himself, or share in it. Not a second is taken for granted here- Cas knows he doesn’t deserve the paradise he’s currently living in, where Dean loves him and there is nobody actively trying to kill either of them. Cas thinks that Dean isn’t naturally an angry sleeper like he has always seemed to be- no, he’s much more like a cat when he feels safe enough to take his hands away from the gun under his pillow. Cas cherishes the knowledge.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>There are many benefits to being an angel, but it’s hard to remember any of them when he’s sleepily running his fingertips gently up and down the length of Dean’s forearm that’s on his chest. Cas smiles to himself through a yawn (another novel human experience) and decides it’s time to get out of bed. Dean always smiles when he wakes up to coffee having already been made, so he decides to do that for him this morning. Cas may not be confident enough to cook breakfast, but he can work a coffee maker like an expert. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The challenge, of course, is getting out of bed without waking Dean. He decides to start with the arm under Dean, so he uses his free hand to stabilize Dean while he slowly draws his arm free. Once he has both hands back, he lifts Dean’s off of his chest and brings it to his lips to press a gentle kiss to his palm. Dean seems no closer to waking up, but he shifts closer to Cas anyway. It makes Cas’ smile broaden, and his heart fills to bursting with affection for his hunter.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m just gonna go make us some coffee, I’m not leaving,” he whispers to Dean. He runs a hand through Dean’s hair and kisses the top of his head before shifting away from him and standing up from the bed. Dean gives an upset hum and rolls into the space Cas left, and Cas fights the immediate temptation to climb back under the covers. With a soft sigh, he turns away from Dean and walks out into the kitchen. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The cabin is peaceful and quiet in the morning sun, and Cas relishes the simple joy of listening to the birds outside. Being alone now is much different than being alone yesterday had been; yesterday he had been anxious and sad, feeling lonely while Dean was gone. This is peaceful in every sense, and he thinks this might be what his personal heaven looks like. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas reflects back on the previous day as he cleans out the coffee machine and resets it. It had been terrifying to have Dean become so upset at him for no particular reason, but he knew it was a necessary conversation for them to have before he could truly let himself enjoy their new relationship. It wasn’t necessarily surprising that Dean had that moment- he knows Dean well enough to expect that he would react that way as soon as things became more serious. The knowledge that Dean was likely just processing settled him enough to be able to find something else to occupy his thoughts, so he had picked up a book and settled on the front porch. He just had to have faith that Dean (Dean, who seems to be the only person that inspires faith in Cas since he left Heaven those years ago) would work through his frustration on his own, and trust that he would be able to keep himself safe while alone in the woods. Cas had to just commit to not thinking too hard about everything that could be out there with Dean.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Dean came back and sat with him, when he made his apology and tried his best to open up and communicate, Cas had had to fight back tears. Dean’s effort and personal growth never ceases to amaze him, and he hopes he never takes for granted how difficult it is for Dean to share his emotions, and how hard he tries for Cas’ sake. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the day and evening were more than Cas could have asked for, and he’s going to remember it forever. His experience with any measure of romantic relationship, prior to yesterday, was limited at best- and that’s being generous. But he felt sufficiently romanced. Dean had made him lunch, sat and talked with him, and had seemed more comfortable showing physical affection before they had even had their conversation. And that’s not even addressing everything that had happened once dinner was in the oven! Cas had known humans (especially Dean) really enjoyed sexual activities, but his attempts at masturbation or even his night with April had not made too much of an impression on him (though he discovered he thoroughly enjoys kissing, thanks to meg). Until Dean (who also seems to enjoy kissing, and is exceptionally good at it in Cas’ opinion), anyway. The prior night was no less than a revelation. Having Dean’s mouth on him opened up a hunger in him that he had not ever experienced before, but </span>
  <em>
    <span>oh, to have his hands on Dean. </span>
  </em>
  <span>There is nothing like watching Dean come undone because of </span>
  <em>
    <span>him. He did that.</span>
  </em>
  
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas had managed to maintain some reliable self-control when it came to touching Dean, built on years and years of practice, but it was as though a switch had flipped last night when he was finally able to give in to his desire. He never wanted to stop touching Dean- even pulling himself away from the bed this morning had been so much harder than it had any right to be. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The beeping of the coffee machine, to indicate the now-full pot, brought him out of his thoughts and reminded him of his current task. Cas pulls two mugs out of the cabinet and fills them with coffee, then walks back into the bedroom. He finds Dean in much the same position he left, with his body on his own side of the bed but head and shoulders leaned over enough for him to have buried his face in Cas’ pillow. His breathing is quicker and he’s shifting enough to indicate he’s at least partially awake, though, so Cas doesn’t feel too bad about pulling him fully out of sleep. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Both mugs set on the bedside table, Cas sits down on the side of the bed and leans down to tenderly kiss the hinge of his jaw, right next to his ear. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s time to wake up, I made us coffee…” He whispers, then peppers a line down the side of his neck. Dean hums happily and shifts to give Cas more space, a silent encouragement to continue. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Is this our new normal? I could get used to this wake up call,” Dean enjoys Cas’ lips on his neck for another moment before rolling to face him and crack his eyes open with a soft smile. Cas doesn’t think he could ever remember seeing Dean wake up with anything close to a smile on his face, and feels a rush of pride at being the one who put it there. He chuckles at Dean’s words. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t know about normal,” still leaned in close to him, Cas raises an eyebrow and tries for a smirk (he thinks it probably comes out as a smile anyway). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At that, Dean chuckles and wraps a hand around the back of Cas’ neck, pulling him into a deep kiss, morning breath be damned. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Morning, sunshine,” Dean whispers, fingers threaded into the shorter hair on the back of Cas’ head. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good morning,” Cas responds, pecking his lips sweetly once more before sitting upright and grabbing his own mug of coffee. “Sit up,” he gestures for Dean to move. Dean does, propping his pillow up so he can lean against the headboard, and Cas situates himself next to him, sitting up against the headboard. Once they are both settled, Cas passes Dean his coffee and Dean thanks him with an affectionate kiss to his cheek. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean is leaning against Cas’ side, and Cas revels in the skin-to-skin contact. Another benefit to sex, Cas realizes then, is getting to be naked together after the fact. Particularly, Dean being naked. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you for making coffee,” Dean sighs, relaxing back into his pillow and against Cas’ side before taking a slow drink. The softness of Dean at that moment overwhelms Cas with emotion, and it reminds him once again how special this time is. Cas looks over at him, sure his face is betraying all the love and affection he feels for this man, and smiles softly in response.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I was happy to let you sleep,” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can’t believe I slept for so long,”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I have no doubt you need it. Vacations are for rest, if I understand them correctly.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes they’re just for having fun,” Dean looks over at him with a smirk and flirtatious wink, an expression that will never fail to make Cas flush pink. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And what is this vacation for?” Cas raises an eyebrow, hoping for enough boldness to get a reaction from Dean. Dean seems to be more amused than bashful about it, though.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Really, our vacation is so Sam and Eileen can have fun, but I think we can make it for whatever you want it to be for,” Dean leans over to kiss the soft skin beneath Cas’ ear. Cas tilts his head the other way in response, and hums softly in pleasure at the feeling of it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m enjoying almost everything, so far,” is all Cas can respond, assuming Dean will take his meaning. Dean’s increased enthusiasm with which he kisses Cas’ neck, almost definitely leaving a mark, indicates he has thoughts of his own on what they should use this vacation for. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A moment later, Dean stops kissing in favor of simply resting his head on Cas’ shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We only have two more days of this before we have to go back,” he whispers, his good humor fading as he seems to remember how temporary their little bubble is. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Just because we go back home doesn’t mean any of this will end. We haven’t done anything this morning that we can’t do any other morning at the bunker,” Cas tries his best to be reassuring. Dean stays quiet for a little too long for Cas’ comfort- his immediate fear is that he misunderstood, and Dean doesn’t want to be with him this way back at home. Dean breaks him out of his worry spiral by responding, but his words aren’t particularly comforting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sometimes I wish we didn’t have to-...” He trails off, and Cas sits up straighter at that, turning to look over at him in concern. Afraid to be wrong, he says nothing about his assumptions and hopes for Dean to continue. Dean looks back at him for a split second before looking off to a window with a sigh. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It doesn’t matter. Nevermind.” Dean shakes his head, and it does absolutely nothing to make Cas feel better. He considers pushing for more information, but he knows better than to pick a fight when he doesn’t need to. If Dean wants to share it, Cas will have to wait for him to decide that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Perhaps we can take more vacations after this?” Cas suggests hopefully, thinking that might make Dean feel a little better about having to go back home soon. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course we can,” Dean relaxes marginally, and takes the last drink of his coffee. It isn’t the full solution Cas was hoping for, but he figures he’ll take the win where he can get it. Seeing Dean is finished with his coffee, Cas gulps down the rest of his and sets both mugs on the bedside table. “We should get up, we both need to shower,” Dean pauses for a second before pushing himself up from the bed with a grunt. Cas follows him with his eyes for a moment, not sure whether or not he’s invited. His question must be written all over his expression, because Dean looks back at him with a quiet chuckle.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You don’t have to come, but I wouldn’t mind company,” Dean bends down to grab clothes out of his duffel bag. By the time he stands back up, Cas has gotten out of the bed to join him. He grabs his own clothes for the day, and follows Dean with a little anticipation into the bathroom. The shower is small, and will be a tight fit for two full grown men, but Cas personally is not too upset about it (though he makes a note that if the goal is getting really clean, sharing is not really an option). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Cas gets to the bathroom, Dean is turning on the water to get warm. With an appreciative gaze, Cas watches as Dean stands back up and strips out of his boxers. Dean turns back to him and notices that he isn’t moving, just looking at Dean’s uncovered body in the light for the first time. It makes Dean smirk, and raise a teasing eyebrow, but he says nothing about it. Cas just blushes faintly pink, but steps out of his own boxers and follows Dean into the small shower. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As soon as they are both inside, Dean steps under the water to wet his hair then leans around Cas to grab the small bottle of shampoo. He lightly kisses the side of Cas’ head on his way around, and starts on washing his own hair without much pretense. Cas, for his part, is entirely captivated by the way Dean’s muscles move under his skin as he works his fingers through his hair. He thinks back to the first time he was acquainted with Dean's body, and he smiled faintly to himself. More had changed in the last twelve years than the past twelve hundred. Cas is glad for it- more so now than he had ever been. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Enough time must have passed of Cas not doing anything for Dean to notice, because when Cas comes back to himself Dean is just staring right back at him. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatcha thinkin, over there?” Dean asks fondly, tipping his head back under the spray to rinse out the soap. The small smile returns to Cas’ expression, and he pulls Dean by the arm to switch places as soon as Dean’s hair is clean. The assertive motion makes Dean chuckle but he moves without hesitation or resistance. Cas takes the moment of wetting his own hair to figure out exactly how to express what he’s been thinking all morning. In his moment of distraction, Dean must have grabbed the shampoo without Cas’ notice, because no sooner does Cas pull his head out from under the water than does he feel Dean slide his shampooed fingers into his hair. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you know why Chuck created angels?” Is what Cas decides to go with. He relaxes even further into Dean at the massaging contact, stepping close into him until they are nearly touching and clasping his hands around Dean’s lower back. Dean doesn’t stop his movement when Cas’ hair is lathered, and Cas wonders if Dean finds it as soothing as he does. He makes a mental note to wash Dean’s hair next time. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“He wanted soldiers, right? That, or he was lonely,” Dean delivers the last phrase like a joke, with a light chuckle, and the sound fills Cas with warmth. Finally, Dean steps forward, easing Cas backward into the water to rinse his hair. Cas keeps his hold on Dean, eyes closed as he responds. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“In some ways, I suppose it was loneliness. Until he created Man, anyway. But he wasn’t looking for companionship- he still had Amara. He wanted to be loved. Adored. Worshipped. We were made into soldiers because He commanded it, and it became our method of worship. Ultimate, perfect obedience was how we expressed love.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean hums in response, settling his arms around Cas’ neck when his hair is sufficiently rinsed. Neither of them are in any hurry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He must sense that Cas has more to say, because he patiently waits. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It has been years since I have had any love for God, of course. I had no desire to serve or worship him in any capacity, even before Jack. But that does not change the fact that from the beginning I was wired for the purpose of worship, as all angels were. And that is not dependent on whether or not I have grace, or wings.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean raises his eyebrows questioningly at this, and Cas is struck with an idea. He releases his hold of Dean, reaching down as he continues to speak, and takes hold of the travel-size body wash. When Cas starts to spread the soap across Dean’s chest and shoulders, all humor is gone from Cas’ expression. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He leans forward, lips barely brushing against Dean’s ear as he whispers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you know who I have come to worship, instead, Dean?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He gets no words in response, only a shiver. He uses a firm grip as he works the soap from the tops of his shoulders down his chest, across his hips and back up his sides. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you know who, now, I would eagerly fight for? Who motivates my every decision, who has made me into who I am? Who I love more than any other?” He presses his lips to the skin below Dean’s ear, and Dean moves his arms from around Cas’ neck to wrap tightly around his waist. He tugs Cas close until they are pressed together, and Cas is pleased to feel Dean’s cock give a twitch of interest at the contact. He remembers he is still trying to wash Dean, or at least keep up the pretense, so he draws his hands down Dean’s back to continue spreading the body wash. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It takes something significant to render Dean silent, and Cas is proud he’s achieved it. He continues speaking things he never expected to share. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I rebuilt you with my own grace, my own hands. Did you know I did not allow a single other angel to touch you? I was captivated by your soul the moment I saw it, and thought surely there was no human body that could be as mesmerizing as your soul,” Cas is whispering against his skin, just loud enough to be heard over the spray of the water. He takes a momentary pause to dedicate himself to putting a mark on Dean’s neck- his handprint had long been healed and gone, and remaking the claim he’d once put on Dean suddenly seemed like the most urgent task in the world. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas was rewarded when Dean sighed softly and tilted his head to the side. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Cas…” Dean hummed quietly, splaying his fingers out across Cas’ back. He had one hand pressed between his shoulder blades and the other settled at the bottom of his spine, and the grip felt immensely safe. Protective. Affectionate. It encouraged him to continue.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I don’t need to be able to see it now to know that to this day, your soul remains the most resilient, beautiful thing I have ever seen,” this earns Cas a scoff and renewed tension in Dean- Cas knows Dean is uncomfortable, and fighting the urge to argue. “I thought that day, ‘humans are small and weak. There couldn’t be a human body that suits this soul,’ but I was so wrong. Incredibly so. Because when I saw your body, when I held it in my hands and knit it back together…” Cas now works his hands down, gripping Dean’s ass in both hands as he continues to pepper kisses across each inch of skin that he can reach. “It is the only one I have ever seen that is beautiful enough for you. All the scars, the signs of age, the evidence of the challenges you have faced… In all my millenia, you are the only one I have ever known who is truly worthy of worship. And I could happily do nothing but look at you for the rest of my days.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well shit, Cas…” Dean attempts a laugh but the sound is watery at best, and Cas knows without looking that there are tears in his eyes. “Was kinda hopin’ you’d do more than look,” he chuckles and it earns a small laugh from Cas in response. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re right…” Cas leans up once more to whisper against his ear, “I’m going to worship you.” He pulls himself back just far enough to tug on Dean’s tight grip, prompting him to loosen it well enough for Cas to move around. He turns Dean then, so his body is far enough under the warm water to rinse away all the soap (and with it, all remaining evidence of their intimacy from the night before). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas continues littering Dean’s skin with soft, chaste kisses when the soap has washed away. Once he is confident he has covered all reachable real estate, his hands settle comfortably on Dean’s hips and he sinks down out of his grip. He doesn’t look up at Dean (his self confidence with these things is still limited), but he feels his gaze anyway as he draws a line with his lips and tongue down his chest and abdomen. A brush against Dean’s left nipple earns him the quietest of gasps, and Cas can do nothing to constrain the smile on his face in response. He feels Dean tense when he reaches Dean’s middle, softened by age, diet, and sitting in a library for months on end. It grieves Castiel that he obviously feels insecure about it, and when he has settled onto his knees (which, when he became human he became a man in his late 40s, and Cas gets the distinct impression that he can’t be down here for long) he spends a series of moments lavishing affection on his waist and stomach. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>One of Dean’s hands is now ever-so-softly settled on his cheek, the other strokes across (not through, too many tangles) his hair to rest lightly at the back of his neck. There is no pressure or guidance, only affectionate reassurance about where this is obviously going. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When Cas finally puts his mouth on Dean’s quickly-developing erection, it is with the hope that his intentions and observations are enough to make up for his inexperience. When he starts by licking a line up one side, Dean is every bit as responsive as Cas had hoped. He is anxious about whether or not he will be able to make this enjoyable for Dean, about whether or not he will be able to get Dean to orgasm before his knees on the tile give out (or at all), about if he’s going to be expected to swallow the result like Dean had done for him or if he would even be able to do that without choking. The thoughts and fears do nothing to make this better for Dean, though, so he pushes the concern away and starts with a kiss to the tip- a passionate kiss with all lips and tongue, to adjust to the taste and texture. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Evidently, Dean is easy to please- at just the faintest touch, his breath is stuttering and he’s leaning back slightly to brace against the shower wall. When Cas finally takes him into his mouth (as much as he could comfortably manage, anyway), Dean lets out a low, pleased groan through a stunned smile, and Cas feels a rush of pride when Dean slides a hand into his hair.</span>
  <em>
    <span> He’s doing this to Dean. Castiel, former Angel of the Lord, is bringing Dean this much pleasure. Unfathomable. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas’ technique is a combination of guesswork, gauging Dean’s reactions, and remembering what Dean had done last night. He is hesitant to take more than half of Dean’s length into his mouth (he’s making up the difference with one hand - Dean seems perfectly accepting of this compromise). He licks and sucks, bobs his head and strokes with his hand (Dean tugs on his hair and shouts </span>
  <em>
    <span>“fuck, Cas”</span>
  </em>
  <span> loudest when he sucks lightly on the tip and strokes tightly with his hand). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas comes to the conclusion that nothing arouses him as much as hearing Dean say his name like that. As time passes, how own erection is now verging on painful, but his desire to have relief sits quietly in the background- his entire focus is completely taken with the taste of Dean’s precum, the weight on him on Cas’ tongue, and the breathy moans falling from Dean’s lips. He feels Dean’s breathing quicken, and his hips jerk minutely (thankfully, Dean seems to be restraining himself enough for Cas to not choke, but Cas is hit with a wave of desire to make him lose all control), and he thinks maybe Dean is getting close. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Fucking </span>
  <em>
    <span>hell</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Cas- mmmnnhhh I’m close-” Dean groans, looking down at Cas with nothing short of pure adoration. When Cas opens his eyes to look back up at him, he can’t help but smile around Dean’s cock, and apparently that’s all it takes to send Dean flying over the edge. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Unfortunately for Cas’ curiosity, Dean pulls Cas up to his feet by his hair as the first spurt is released. He hauls Cas into the fiercest kiss they have shared so far- hot and passionate and affectionate and all-consuming. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pressed together as tightly as they are, Cas is able to feel the warmth spilling between them as Dean moans into their kiss. As soon as they pull away to breathe, Dean sets to work kissing Cas’ neck and wrapping around his own erection. Cas doesn’t even last a full minute before his own release is mingling with Dean’s on their stomachs. He cries out Dean’s name, and Dean grins against his skin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I want to taste you next time…” Cas whispers, and the shudder he gets in response is encouraging, to say the least.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Maybe he is able to give Dean the pleasure he deserves, after all.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean pulls Cas into another kiss, stepping under the now-cool spray of water to clean themselves off, and neither can help but smile. Cas doesn’t expect any real kind of verbal response to the things he said of Dean, he knows the other man too well for that. But his lack of argument is good enough for Cas, and the mumbled “I love you” Dean kisses against his temple is a bonus (a very sizable, dream-worthy bonus). Cas will never tire of repeating those words back to him.</span>
</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the morning floats past Cas in a haze of blissful peace and affectionate domesticity. They get out of the shower and dress in sweatpants and t-shirts, then Dean sets about making breakfast while Cas makes coffee. In his many millennia of watching humanity, Cas had seen many couples live in this kind of routine with one another and had always thought it was a weak, purposeless existence to be fulfilled by a person rather than a mission. Even in his other experiences as a human himself, both as Emmanuel (who had a </span>
  <em>
    <span>wife</span>
  </em>
  <span>) and in Rexford, he was living just to survive. His mission was waking up to see the next day and hopefully not cause any more problems when he gets there. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This, well. This is altogether different. The way he and Dean move around each other in the tiny kitchen, the playful banter about Dean nearly burning the eggs, the way Cas knows with his whole being that he doesn’t need anything else if he has Dean, swaying his hips to inaudible music as he makes up two little plates. This is the happiest he has ever been, and the thought makes him inwardly grieve the day they return to hunting; Cas never wants to see Dean carrying that burden again- not when he has seen him without it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They eat their breakfast and sip their coffee on the front porch, looking out into the trees- not a sign of other human activity as far as the eye can see. When a deer appears several yards away, Cas’ face lights up and Dean laughs at him. Despite the blush on his cheeks, Cas picks off a piece of his pancake with his fingers and stands from his chair. Dean looks on in amusement, but stays silent when Cas takes the two steps down to the ground and tosses the small piece of food slowly in the direction of the young doe. She watches him warily, only daring to look away to make the briefest of glances towards the offering. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A tiny smile sits on Cas’ face as he backs away slowly, leaning back now against the porch railing to show he means no harm to her. He looks back up to Dean, amusement still written all over his face, and it makes Cas’ smile grow brighter. He looks back to the doe and sees her warily moving forward, towards the pancake. When no danger seems to appear, she takes another step forward and takes the bite gingerly. Cas is beaming now- after so many years taking life, maybe this new start is finally his chance to start really protecting it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Cas returns to his seat next to Dean, and Dean extends his hand into the space between the two chairs. Cas takes it in his own, locking their fingers together, and sighs contentedly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What would you like to do today?” He eventually asks, breaking the daze brought on by watching the forest. Dean rolls his head against the back of the chair to look at him, and a smile spreads over his features like a realization. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not a single thing. Except perhaps take you back to bed,” is what he finally says, causing Cas to huff a laugh to cover his blush. He tries not to let the idea distract him, and instead thinks about what he might like to do with his day (their time here is waning, and he can’t waste a moment of it). </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think I would like to go on a walk.” When Cas speaks Dean listens attentively, unhurried and easy in his demeanor. Cas tries to memorize every mannerism- this is everything he wants for Dean, and he’s grateful to see it even if it is temporary.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I found a really beautiful lake yesterday that isn’t too far, I think you’d love it.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“That’s a wonderful idea, I would love to see it,” Cas grins to him. They sit there for a few minutes longer, hands held tightly together and rocking slowly in the late morning breeze. </span>
</p>
<p>---</p>
<p>
  <span>All in all, it takes about an hour for them to get up and moving enough to be ready for the trek to the lake. Neither have real hiking boots, but Dean insists anyway that he made it just fine in his work boots. They don’t bring up what caused Dean to take a walk yesterday, and Cas is all the happier for it. He wonders if perhaps they can start fresh, leaving things in the past where they belong. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When they start walking, neither speak for a while, but eventually Cas makes an interesting request</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tell me a story from before I knew you.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dean thinks on it for a second, not responding right away. Cas wonders if maybe that prompts memories he would rather stay hidden, but right as he is about to retract it Dean responds. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Kinda feels like another lifetime, y’know? Bein’ in the pit changed me. I was a dick, most of the time,” Dean chuckles at this, and Cas remembers enough of younger Dean to not argue with him, “but I had a pretty clear picture of what my life was gonna look like.” Cas doesn’t say anything, just lets him meander his way to whatever part of himself he wants to share. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I also kinda feel like you already know everything. Everything worth knowin’, anyway…” He sighs thoughtfully, and the sound of their footsteps fills the empty space. “Have I told you about the time Sam and I got stuck on the roof of our motel?” Cas sees the grin on Dean’s face, and feels good about hearing it if Dean remembers it fondly. He shakes his head ‘no’, he hasn’t heard the story, and Dean’s smile never falters as he launches into it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I musta been like 16, probably. Sammy was 12, and we were stuck in a motel in Montana while our dad was gone. We’d already been stuck in there with nothing to do for 3 or 4 days, right? So I’m just trying to think of things to keep the kid busy. It’s snowing pretty good, but I don’t really think anything of it. I just figure that the ladder to the roof is only locked up with a little padlock and it’s at least gotta be more interesting than the same four walls, right? So I pick the lock and we climb up there. It was pretty clear, so Sam was lookin at the stars and shit, but I was just lookin out as far as I could see and wondering how many monsters were out there that nobody had caught yet.” Dean doesn’t pause here like it’s sad, but Cas’ heart breaks a little for younger Dean anyway and he squeezes Dean’s hand. Either he doesn’t notice or he pretends not to, because he barrels on. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The story goes that they stay up there for a couple hours, and Dean makes up stories for Sam about the constellations when he asks, but when they decide to go back inside the cage covering the ladder is frozen shut. Eventually, Dean explained, he found a way to climb down the outside of it and broke it open for Sam before anybody caught them. He laughed like it was a favorite funny memory, so Cas had laughed accordingly, but the bitter taste of sadness for Dean’s lost innocence remains. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When he had finished the story, he turns to Cas and asks him the very same question. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“What did you do before me, Cas? When you weren’t leading an army or hunting down fake nephilim.” Despite Dean’s good intentions, Cas tries fervently to not remember either of those experiences in too much detail. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My life before you was significantly less exciting,” he chuckles to himself at the profound truth of the statement, “and significantly less meaningful. Rarely do angels have individual thoughts or experiences, particularly soldiers. I also know that there are quite a few memories that are lost to me now, after Naomi…” He hesitates at that, and Dean mirrors his earlier comfort by squeezing his hand tightly. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Wasn’t your fault.” Dean mutters under his breath. Cas barely catches it, but he does, and he smiles softly. He bumps his shoulder against Dean’s as they walk. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Moving forward, yes?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Moving forward.” Dean nods definitively and smiles as he agrees. “Why don’t you tell me about the day you pulled me out of the pit?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can hardly believe I have never told you the story before. It is very sad that you don’t remember our first meeting.” Cas is soft and contemplative when he speaks.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Tell me about it, then,” Dean gives an encouraging look, “though maybe skip the torture parts.” He chuckles as they walk down the trail. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course. It was a very important job, of course- and it was in fact the first mission I was given charge of. I had a team, dozens of angels behind me to save one small human. In hindsight, of course, they probably greatly regretted choosing me for that…” Cas and Dean both laugh softly- Cas is deeply grateful that they are able to laugh now about things that once caused him such great distress. He thinks he learned that from Dean. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“They sent us in, and we were attacked immediately. Lilith was in power, then, and had many very dedicated followers. She didn’t know your value, though. Only a few angels did, at the time- not even I knew. In Earth time, it took weeks of combat to reach you. By then we had lost-”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There is a feminine, ear-piercing scream from further into the trees.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All it takes is one quick look between them for both men to take off running.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I know, I know, you came here for happy, fluffy, romantic times. Not for angsty cliffhangers. I don't plan on doing too many, promise! This is not an angsty fic. Next chapter will really earn that Case Fic tag, so expect canon-typical violence and themes, but in this house we guarantee happy endings, so fret not. Truthfully, I couldn't find any better place to end the chapter, so there you go. </p>
<p>ALSO! I am starting an ABO fic for a Big Bang challenge, so look forward to that if that's your thing! It also means I am now working on two separate fics, so I won't be getting much faster on updates than I was this time, and I apologize for that, but I have plotted out through ch 12 so we're still in good shape! This fic will have something semi-plot-like, promise.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. AUTHORS NOTE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sorry, not a real chapter - Just an update from your friendly neighborhood author!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>     Hey, friends, subscribers, casual readers, and everyone else! Don't worry- I am not abandoning this fic, not by a long shot. I just wanted to give a little life update since it has now been nearly 2 months since my last update and I still don't have a chapter for you. I think about this fic all the time, and I'm still excited about all the domestic softness planned down the road. Since we last spoke, I got a new job and moved across the country! So that's fun. But now I am a full time student AND working full time on a job I have never done before AND living in a new state. That is 100% the reason I have not updated yet, and the reason I don't have an update that's almost finished. However, I am graduating at the end of April, and that is when all my free time will come back. That is the best timeline estimate I have right now.</p>
<p>     Additionally, and this is purely practical and not meant at all passive-aggressive in any way, you don't seem like a terribly interactive bunch. And that's totally cool, lord knows I'm an introvert and don't always jump at the chance to interact with strangers, but it also means I have absolutely no clue what anybody's interest level is in continuing to read this story. I am beyond grateful for everyone who has left kudos, has bookmarked, has subscribed, has commented! But for all I know, nobody is all that engaged, and if that is the case then I'll just chill out about it all! I think I am going to continue to write this story until I feel done with it, whether anybody wants to read it or not, but if you somehow DO want to keep reading it, I'd love a check-in from you so I know to keep posting it! </p>
<p>TLDR; My life is chaos right now but I am still engaged with this story and will be updating it. Y'all don't seem to interact much, which is totally fine, but if you're still interested in reading this story it would be super awesome of you to let me know in the comments so I have some kind of measure (and some extra motivation)!</p>
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